The Martin Chronicles reports the painful revelations of what is actually going on in Villa Hills. It is necessary. Understanding that all of what we are learning can be overwhelming, The Martin Chronicles thought it might be nice to try to have some fun now and then to lighten up what is otherwise most depressing news. Here goes-
Successful shows often spawn spin-offs, and The Martin Chronicles is wondering if Mayor Mike Martin believes Dancing With The Stars (DWTS) is no exception to that trend. After all, Martin's Footloose approach to governing Villa Hills has all the elements of DWTS. So The Martin Chronicles is going to handicap how competitors Councilman Noll, Councilman Pope and Mayor Martin would perform on such a show. For a working title we will go with Dancing With The Subpoenas.
Councilman Noll would have a tough time as a competitor. Name recognition got him elected to city council. And, although his campaign style (doing next to NOTHING to EARN votes) should have been a hint that he is NOT a member of the well-respected Noll family who have served the city in its early days and continues to do so today, he was elected. Noll's campaign style was also a foreshadowing of his frequent absences from meetings-either missing them altogether or going MIA for a while during the ones he does attend. Hydration is important! Noll has two degrees (one of which is a Juris Doctor). This proves he is book-smart, but sorely lacking in common sense. "What is a caucus?" and "What is winterizing?" come quickly to mind to illustrate that point. The judges won't be "mediating" the results of the contest either. So Noll will have to depend on "Chinese hackers", his 5 year old or himself to text all the votes he wants, but we think he will be running out quickly-he won't practice. The Martin Chronicles believes Noll will be dancing to Rod Stewart's Do You Think I'm Sexy?.
Our next contestant, Councilman Pope will also have real trouble with this. Pope is confident that it will only take two key strokes to get the numbers and results he needs to move on in the competition. But the problem is no one knows which two keys to hit! The Martin Chronicles predicts a tough time is in store for the pro assigned to partner with him. Pope doesn't play well with others and will second-guess the pro. For instance, if he is assigned to dance the paso doble, Pope will want to dance the passive aggressive. (We admit that the passive aggressive IS one of Pope's strengths.) Pope will agree with the pro in rehearsals, but deny that he did during the live show. Then Pope will post on his "alternate reality" website that he has a better way of dancing-as if saying it will make it so. The problem is that Pope won't understand that dancing is something that takes action. We extend our wish of good luck to the judges who try to critique Pope. He will be obsessed with their destruction! The tune for Pope's dance will be Dancin' In The Streets! (But don't ask us to make an assessment of which road plan Pope will be choreographing. We are guessing it will be all his own.) Also look for a re-enactment of the movie They Shoot Horses Don't They? as Pope vows to dance until the year 2200.
That leaves contestant Mike Martin, whose "quick-step" approach to avoiding the duly enacted Civil Service ordinance is to hire clerks as contract employees. But the contracts don't appear to be worth the paper they are written on. When a councilman questioned whether or not Cordelia Schaber (the $47.50 per hour "clerk" preparing the city financials) had insurance, "CEO" Martin said "no" and that he would just "rewrite the contract". And his "emergency powers" to hire badly needed police officers doesn't exist-at least not yet. That won't stop our fearless leader Martin because he doesn't lead at all-he is a "think outside the box" kinda guy. That's why his dance is going to be painful to watch if you care about dancing-or Villa Hills.
Scheduling practice shouldn't be a problem with Martin rehearsing-after all, Martin schedules the police department. So he can surely do this.
Martin will do his own lighting for his dance-but don't tell anyone. His dance will be a medley of the Billy Joel hit Honesty (but don't look for that, or integrity-artistic or otherwise-here) and A Boy Named S-U-E.
The Martin Chronicles has learned that only phone and text votes will be possible since computers are kind of like being in the Land of Oz: "Computers, they come and go so quickly!"
It is our hope that the show will be canceled sooner, rather than later. But it is a SAFE bet that it will be even more painful to watch than city council meetings!
