The "Staged Shooting" Theory: Some hardcore Martinites are actually suggesting that a number of Northern Kentucky police agencies hatched a plot to trump up the shooting incident to generate unwarranted sympathy for the Villa Hills Police Department and derail The Nitwit From Norwood's plans to "save you a whole bunch of money". These Martinites aren't quite sure yet how these police agencies were able to convince the two residents to allow themselves to be shot.
The Hillbilly Anti-Gun Theory: A contingent of aluminum-foil hat-wearing, hillbilly Martinite gun-nuts are already expressing public concern that President Barack Obama will use this "staged shooting" as a pretext to seize all of their firearms. These aluminum-foil hat-wearing hillbilly Martinite gun-nuts have yet to prove the connection between the conspiring Northern Kentucky police agencies and the White House. But that will not deter them. Wait?!?! Is that a drone up there?!?!
The "It Was All About Jim Noll" Theory: Some crackpots suggest that Police Detective Joe Schutzman planned the entire incident just to force former one-term councilmember, failed State Senate candidate and former leading contender to be Shorty's next City Attorney Jim Noll to drive through police barricades to get home. These crackpots suggest that the marijuana and paraphernalia were actually "planted". Where have we heard that before? The crackpots who subscribe to this theory haven't quite figured out a way to explain why police officers described Noll as "disoriented" and how Noll managed to blow twice the legal limit on the breathalyzer. Lots and lots of practice is our guess.
The "It Was All About Jim Noll" Theory Version 2.0: There are a number of mental cases who suspect Martin's high-priced whore Toad McMurtry. Why? McMurtry set Noll up to ensure that the "trusted name, new voice" Noll City Attorney candidacy would be deep-sixed. Look, we know McMurtry is lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut. But we just don't think he's nearly bright enough to pull off such a scheme.
The "Martin Holds Auditions" Theory: What better way to find out which police department to hire after you boot out the Villa Hills Police Department? Bring them all in and see which bunch performs the best. While we think Shorty is a conniving little piss-ant, we know he's not smart enough to pull something off like that.
Our reporters are also hearing even crazier theories involving ancient space aliens, asteroids, concession stands, Hanger 18, Bigfoot, The Lake General Zod Sea Monster and donated civic club equipment that seems to have gone missing.
The Martin Chronicles has a piece of advice for all of the wing-nuts, gun-nuts, crack-pots, rum-pots, hillbillies and EDDIE hatching conspiracy theories in the salons and saloons across Villa Hills. It is a very old-and very true-axiom.
If you hear hoof beats think horses, not zebras.
