The Martin Chronicles has been listening closely to malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin's Villa Hills' rumor mill lately. Stories flying around the troubled town range from the sublime to the ridiculous. Let's take a sampling of the latest.
Oddsmakers have identified the two prohibitive favorites to replace soon-to-be-jettisoned City Attorney Mike Duncan. The line on Toad "The Wet Sprocket" McMurtry is 3 to 2 and Bob "They Only Come Out At Night" Winters is 2 to 1. Oddsmakers don't give the other candidates much of a chance. Some touts are privately telling our reporters that former top-vote-getting-council-candidate-failed-state-senate-candidate-arrested-with-a-box-of-dope-in-his-car-while-running-a-police-barricade Jim Noll could still be a real "sleeper" surprise pick. It doesn't look like will have to wait much longer for the big announcement.
In a related story, some are saying that landing the job of the malfeasant Martin's City Attorney may end up being more like a booby prize. Why? Virtually everyone who has come in contact with Martin has ended up seriously tainted. Blemished. Tarnished. Besmirched. Sullied. You know. A lot like Martin. There is no reason to expect that to change.
Some eagerly await the appearance of the groundhog on February 2. Others anticipate the miracle of the annual return of the swallows to San Juan Capistrano. What happens in strife-torn Villa Hills? Well, folks are standing by for the first false police report filings by Martin and his loudmouthed wife Janet. Their annual rite of felonious behavior is a sure sign that spring has sprung!
Insiders tell us that Martin used Craigslist to conduct the search for someone to replace inert Interim City Clerk Sue Bree. Some are hoping that Martin finds his own Richard Beasley of Toledo, Ohio. We have no comment. A chuckle. But no comment.
Local quipsters joke that the hiring of a new City Clerk will free-up even more time for Bree to play Solitaire and Minesweeper on her taxpayer-funded computer. One wag responded, "the only way Bree could find more time to do nothing and get paid for it is if she worked overtime". That makes sense to us.
There are dozens of rumors swirling around about exactly why erstwhile-menacing-fire-bug-temporary-city-clerk-who-took-cash-but-offered-no-receipt MARY HARDMAN has left town for good. We took a poll of our staff. Absolutely no one gives a tinker's dam why MARY HARDMAN is gone. Everyone is just glad she's gone.
Informants in four other Northern Kentucky cities are reporting that their mayors are feeling a lot of heat.Why? It seems that their city councils want to know why these mayors approached Martin about providing (FAR LESS SAFE) police protection without at least consulting with the councilpeople first. We are told that all four mayors have assured their city councils that "Martin is LYING about that". Is anyone surprised? Even a little bit? We didn't think so.
HBM-I has so far been (PUBLICLY) unsuccessful in convincing the rest of the council to funnel SEVERAL THOUSAND OF YOUR TAXPAYER DOLLARS to the civic club to underwrite some version of the defunct Fire In The Hills celebration. We're looking in to the summer festival rumored to be under development by the ass clowns from the civic club. The theme? THE VILLA HILLS CIVIC CLUB: FIFTY-TWO YEARS OF KIDS AND BEERS. We are also trying to confirm reports that the event is being co-sponsored by Little Tikes Toys and Anheuser Busch.
