The Martin Chronicles has decided to celebrate the Christmas season by having a reader contest. All we want is for our readers to tell us which television character is most like Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin and explain why. Our editorial board will judge the responses. The three best responses win New Year's Eve dinner for two at the Thai-Tanic Restaurant including a complimentary champagne toast. It's really that easy. Here are your ten choices. Good luck!:
1. Colonel Wilhelm Klink - Klink was the vain, bumbling and incompetent Kommandant Oberst of Hogan's Heroes Stalag 13. The ineffectual Klink was always easily manipulated and bamboozled in this long-running comedy about a WWII prisoner of war camp. We never knew who was really running Stalag 13. Why? Because Klink was certainly abjectly incapable of doing so. The similarities to the mismanaging Martin are painfully obvious
2. The Tasmanian Devil - Often referred to simply as Taz, this character was both ferocious and dim-witted. Taz had a short temper and possessed little patience. He was best known for his speech which consisted mostly of grunts, growls and rasps and his ability to spin like a vortex. Brothers and Sisters, doesn't that all sound too familiar. Clearly, a solid candidate in our contest.
3. Ted Baxter - Baxter was the pompous nitwit, narcissistic anchorman for the fictional WJM-TV in Minneapolis, Minnesota. While his narcissism fueled Baxter's delusions of grandeur, his onscreen performance was buffoonish. A running joke of The Mary Tyler Moore Show was Baxter's abject incompetence, featuring a steady stream of mispronunciations (can anybody say "in-a-minute danger"?), malapropisms, pratfalls and miscues. Ironically, Baxter was the only one to survive the massive layoffs at WJM-TV is the series' final episode (November 6, 2012?). The similarities to Martin are surely eerie.
4. Sheldon James Plankton, Jr. - Plankton is the arch-nemesis in the hilarious Nickelodeon animated TV series SpongeBob SquarePants. Plankton mismanages the embarrassingly bad restaurant known as The Chum Bucket in the underwater town of Bikini Bottom. His primary goal is to put his former friend Mr. Krabs out of business by stealing the secret formula to the beloved Krabby Patty. Plankton's diabolical plans typically blow-up because of his ineptitude. Plankton suffers from a severe case of the "Napoleonic Complex" because he is so much smaller than the rest of the popular show's main characters. The amazing parallels make Plankton a tough choice to pass up in our contest.
5. The Joker - Our editorial board refers specifically to the 1960's Batman TV series Joker wonderfully portrayed by the venerable actor Cesar Romero. The Joker was an odd, green-haired, bad-dressing, thieving trickster who constantly bedeviled Batman and Robin. The Joker was absolutely amoral. This arch-villain had no concern about the terrible consequences of his twisted plans. My, oh my, that also sounds terribly familiar.
6. Louie DePalma - Louie is the Head Dispatcher of the Sunshine Cab Company from the 1970's hit TV series Taxi. He is completely unlikable and totally without morals. He spends most of his wasted time hurling insults and wreaking havoc from his caged dispatch office. DePalma soon became one of the most despised characters on television, possibly one of the most unredeemable and worthless louses on television at the time. Gee, what a frontrunner in this exciting contest.
7. Richard "Dick" Milhous Dastardly - The Dick Dastardly name alone makes this animated character from the animated series Wacky Races a leading contender in our Christmas contest. As his name implied, Dick Dastardly aimed to win solely through cheating and trickery. Ironically, despite all of his bad acts, Dick Dastardly actually failed to truly win a single race he entered. There is an important lesson to be learned here. That is precisely why Dick Dastardly might end up the top vote-getter in a comparison to the mallet-headed Martin.
8. Boris Badenov - Badenov earned his Martin-like chops on the 1960's animated series The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. Teamed-up with fellow spy Natasha Fatale, Badenov would fail time and time again to perpetrate his nefarious schemes on the unwitting citizens of these United States. Boris was an active member of Local 12 of the Villains, Thieves and Scoundrels Union. According to the show, Badenov took a scoundrelship from USC (the University of Safe-Cracking [Crushing]). These facts alone make Badenov a strong contender in our Christmas contest.
9. C.G.B. Spender- Commonly known as "The Smoking Man" on TV's 90's hit, The X-Files, Spender ineptly spent his time chain-smoking Morley cigarettes and desperately trying to foil the efforts of FBI Agents Fox "Spooky" Mulder and the luscious Doctor Dana Scully. Spender was the lead man attempting to grease the skids of a terrible alien-the guys from outer space-invasion of Earth. Yes-much like the malevolent Martin-Spender would ultimately prove to be unsuccessful in his despicable efforts. This fact alone makes Spender worthy of consideration for our reader's vote. 10. Lieutenant Colonel Sam Flagg - Flagg is an inept American Intelligence Officer from the amazing 70's/80's television series M*A*S*H. He alternately claims to be an agent from the CIA, the CIC or the CID (or a licensed electrician and/or plumber). His behavior is paranoid and irrational. Flaggs' most famous (and Martin-like) quote? "Nobody can get the truth out of me because I don't even know what it is. I keep myself in a state of utter confusion." Is that Martin, or what? Flagg is a clear contender for the winner of the contest.
Okay, there are your ten choices. E-Mail us at themartinchonicles.com or place your entry on Twitter@themartinchronicles#crookcontest. You can even phone your entry in at 859.555.1212 and get the chance to speak to our perky, young intern.
May the best entry win!
