The
Martin Chronicles’ Editorial Board has chosen the winners of this year’s “Reader’s
Contest”. Yes, we know. We originally said there would only be three winners. But there were too many
fantastic entries. So, thanks to the good graces- and deep pockets of our beloved publisher-the Editorial Board was
given permission to pick an astonishing SEVEN winners. Let’s take a look at
their winners.
Winning Entry One (name withheld to prevent persecution by
Martin’s dwindling hillbilly lynchmob):
Martin is Louie DePalma’s evil twin. And DePalma was already pretty evil.
Both are extremely insecure because of their diminutive size. Both say
incredibly stupid and offensive things all the time. Much like DePalma, Martin
feels that “the cage” that surrounds them gives them protection and power to do
and say whatever they want. Like the cabbies at the Sunshine Cab Company, the
voters of Villa Hills have the opportunity to ignore and reject Martin’s
bulls#%t next year.
Winning Entry Two (name withheld to prevent persecution by
Martin’s dwindling hillbilly lynchmob):
The Looney Tunes’ Tasmanian Devil is the embodiment of the mess created by that
jacka#s Martin.
Both are mindless morons destroying
everything their dirty hands touch. Do you want the obvious? Watch Martin do
the infamous “Taz” spin at the next council meeting when he is confronting by a
troubling question. Martin is so stupid that the question could even be, “What
day is it?”
Winning Entry Three (name withheld to prevent persecution by
Martin’s dwindling hillbilly lynchmob):
C’mon, it’s got to be Colonel Klink. Martin is exactly like
that idiot Nazi Klink. Despite all of the many problems they have created,
Klink and Martin are absolutely convinced that they are doing a fantastic job.
That’s the best part of the comparison. Whether its prisoners-of-war coming and
going as they please or taxpayer dollars they are bleeding out of the City’s
treasury, both nitwits remain oblivious and falsely self-confident.
Winning Entry Four (name withheld to prevent persecution by
Martin’s dwindling hillbilly lynchmob):
What better comparison to that doofus
Martin than the blathering Ted Baxter
of WJM-TV in Minneapolis fame? Have you listened to that dimwitted Martin? I
mean, what the h#^l is “in-a-minute danger”? How many “Uh, er, umm, oh, ay, eh”
comments do you need to know that Martin has absolutely no idea what the h#^l
he’s sputtering about?”
Winning Entry Five (name withheld to prevent persecution by
Martin’s dwindling hillbilly lynchmob):
That idiot Martin is the pathetic embodiment
of Sheldon James Plankton, Jr. While
the charcoal black hearts of neither will ever bring a public admission that it
is so, both the miniature Martin and the puny Plankton know that they are the
ones who are solely responsible for all of the terrible troubles that continue
to dog them both. There is one major difference. Plankton’s computer wife Karen
regularly reminds the wannabe Krabby Patty formula thief that his plans make no
sense at all. Martin’s spouse Janet not only encourages Villa Hills’ diminutive
dictator to continue to blaze an embarrassing avenue towards his own eventual
self-destruction, she is an active participant in Martin’s imprudent plots.
Winning Entry Six (name withheld to prevent persecution by
Martin’s dwindling hillbilly lynchmob):
How could anyone think Martin is
anything but the living, breathing personification of the always-doomed-to-eventually-fail
Dick Dastardly? Martin represents
both a “Dick” and a “Dastardly” by everyone we have ever talked to who has had
the misfortune of dealing with that little liar. We have had the unpleasant hard
luck of meeting with Martin ourselves. Sure enough. Yes, my husband and I both
think our entry should win us a New Year’s Eve dinner for two at the Thai-Tanic
Restaurant!
Winning Entry Seven (name withheld to prevent persecution by
Martin’s dwindling hillbilly lynchmob):
Martin is the real-life Colonel Flagg of M*A*S*H fame! Both of
these clowns have no idea what the truth really is. Neither one is smart enough
to understand the real damage they are doing either. It is the perfect
comparison. I can easily see Martin hiding in a garbage can just like Flagg did
to get answers about one of their paranoid plans. I can also easily see Martin
getting garbage dumped on his flat head as people did exactly what they are
supposed to be doing just like the loony Flagg did. Why can I see that? Because
that’s exactly what seems to happen to that goofball Martin over and over
again. The bad news? Martin’s misadventures are costing all of us all a misspent
fortune.
With
all due respect to The Joker, Boris Badenov, C.G.B. Spender and all of the many
other Martin Chronicles’ readers who submitted wonderfully creative entries,
our Editorial Board decided to go with the preceding “Magnificent Seven”
because they were simply the best. We still love all of you. And we hope you
continue to love us!
The
seven winning couples are also going to receive an extra special New Year’s Eve
surprise. Our beloved publisher is going to make a “surprise” visit to the
Thai-Tanic Restaurant to toast the winners of our “Reader’s Contest” with
expensive champagne and then pay for an endless amount of that expensive
champagne throughout the night’s celebration.
Almost everyone knows that the real winners
of next year’s most important contest will be the long-suffering residents of
Villa Hills if they toss Martin and his garish goon squad out on their butts on
November 4, 2014!
