2014 Predictions

The Martin Chronicles doesn’t often pat itself on the back. But, if you go back to our December 31, 2012 post of predictions, you’ll see that our forecast for the coming year was very accurate. No Martin “Golden Moment” ushered in by the election of an entirely new council. No end to the legal turmoil. No end to the cronyism. No end to the drive for new tax increases. No end to Martin’s incessant lies.

The most egregious Martin lie? The revelation that the warnings of Martin’s covert plan to disband the City’s police department were absolutely true and that Martin’s repeated denials were duplicitous deceptions.

Our staff has been discussing our predictions now for many weeks. Remember, Martin stands for re-election in 2014. The tiny tyrant will be serving up flame-broiled whoppers like never before. And brothers and sisters, that is really saying something.

 

So what’s in store for 2014?

·        Despite the current conventional wisdom, Martin will run for re-election. Yes, four appellate judges did opine that Martin’s signing of his deceased mother’s name on his deceased mother’s child support checks and his cashing of his deceased mother’s checks did fit the very definition of FORGERY. Yes, Martin did receive a “confidential” reprimand from the Villa Hills Ethics Board. Yes, Martin did receive a judicial dressing-down for his illegal destruction of City records. Yes, Martin was CONVICTED on seven of nine counts of Official Misconduct and Neglect of Duty and was spared removal only because of the inexplicable votes of former Councilmen Pope and Noll. Yes, a recent, scathing report by the State Auditor laid bare Martin’s incompetent mismanagement of taxpayer money. But despite all of this, we firmly believe that Martin is absolutely convinced that he is doing a great job. Call it crazy. And we do. But Martin will go “all in” to hold on to the one job he believes validates his “shoddy-at-best” existence.

·        History will be re-written. Martin will go back to his old standby that he “inherited a mess”. He’ll make the disingenuous claim that he “needs another four years to finish the job”. But what is the truth? Martin was handed a City that had just been rated “The Best City in Northern Kentucky” by Cincy Business magazine. Why? Because of its low taxes, the lowest government spending per resident of any Northern Kentucky City while still providing excellent services, low crime and great schools. The past three years of Martin mismanagement have brought a serious crime wave, non-stop strife and financial woes. It is worth noting that Villa Hills didn’t even crack the top fifty of Tri-State communities in Cincy Business’ most recent rankings.

·        Martin will have to ask City Council for even more money for legal fees. Yes, we know. City Council just approved an amendment to the current City budget that already increased the legal fee line item by ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-EIGHT PERCENT (only Councilmembers Baehner and Balson voted against the increase). But all signs are that more lawsuits are imminent. Also, despite the fact that the Civil Service Ordinance was duly enacted by City Council in 2010, Martin’s odd challenge to their legal authority is still unresolved.

·        Martin will make another attempt to disband the local police department this year. Wrapped in the bogus claim that he is just looking for ways to save money, Martin will resurrect his effort to disband the local police department. The Martin Chronicles believes that Martin is once again underestimating the public sentiment that opposes his radical plan. But we also believe Martin has a fallback plan. The diminutive dictator hopes that his personal-and now City-Attorney Toad V. McMurtry’s costly investigation of the State Auditor’s investigation of the Kentucky Labor Department’s investigation of Martin’s mishandling of City employee expenses provides the diminutive dictator the cover he needs to fire both Police Chief Dan Goodenough and Assistant Police Chief Joe Schutzman. Then the misdirecting Martin can falsely claim that he “has no choice” but to seek outside police coverage.

·        Martin will make another attempt to pass HIS UNFAIR ENERGY TAX this year. Martin knows that bilious blowhard Judge Executive Steve Arlinghaus is about to bail on his commitment to collect the UNFAIR $40 PER CAR STICKER TAX. So, the little liar remains desperate for an alternate source of revenue for his nonexistent street repair and replacement program. If not the UNFAIR ENERGY TAX, then look for a proposed increase in the SNEAKY INSURANCE PREMIUM TAX.

·        Look for at least one “straw man” mayoral candidate. Martin is dumber than the proverbial box of rocks. But The Martin Chronicles is willing to take the leap of faith required to believe that even the mallet-headed Martin can do basic math. Despite running perhaps one of the dirtiest, disingenuous mayoral campaigns in local politics in 2010, the mindless mullah barely eked out an election victory. In a one-on-one contest, a swing of barely more than forty votes would mean defeat for the mendacious Martin. So, look for Martin to convince at least one of his hillbilly lynchmob to throw a hat in to the 2014 mayor’s race. Why? To divide what is sure to be a strong anti-Martin vote. Don’t be so sure that this dishonest strategy can’t be successful.

The Martin Chronicles has received numerous e-mails, phone calls and tweets asking us for our prediction for the outcome of the Villa Hills 2014 mayoral election that is now just a little more than 300 surely-to-be-tumult-filled days away. As the mysterious Magic Eight Ball sometimes says, “Cannot predict now”.

You see, there are still far too many “unknowns” to predict the outcome of the election.

·        How many mayoral candidates will there be? If there are six candidates vying for the mayor’s office, the undeserving and decidedly corrupt Martin could rally enough of his hillbilly lynchmob to re-elect him with less than twenty percent of the total votes cast. While that is the “nightmare scenario”, it could happen.

·        How attentive have and will the voters of Villa Hills truly have been and be? Despite all of the negative media coverage, some of the electorate will mindlessly cast their all-important vote for a name they have heard before. No matter the context in which they heard it. As P.T Barnum once famously said, “I don’t care what they say about me. Just make sure they spell my name right!” Martin is a pretty easy name to spell. In the Villa Hills’ malfeasant Mayor Martin’s case, his name is spelled C-R-O-O-K. Will that fact be enough to unseat him?

 

·        How susceptible will the Villa Hills voters be to the endless, egregious lies Martin will surely tell in his shameless attempt to gain re-election? Our smart readers know the drill. “I found thirty-thousand dollars, even though I don’t know how.” “I love Villa Hills.” “(Despite the fact that he was most assuredly suing them for $1.505 million) I am happy to tell you that I am not suing you.” “We all just need to work together (even though I have no intention of doing so.)” And on and on and on and on and on and on. A razor-thin margin bought in to his lies in 2010. A larger majority bought his lies in 2012. Again, our smart readers know the drill. “Villa Hills needs a new City Council.” “They just won’t work with me.” “Give me a council who will work with me and I will show you what I can do.” And on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. Despite the tiny tyrant’s endless failures and malfeasance, that at-least, razor-thin majority might still exist.

 

Look, we know that in a head-to-head matchup against almost anyone running against the diminutive dictator where voters were paying at least some attention, Martin would be annihilated. In that case, the mysterious Magic Eight Ball would say, “It is certain”.

The Martin Chronicles just isn’t sure that is the case.

 





 

 







 

And The Winners Are...

The Martin Chronicles’ Editorial Board has chosen the winners of this year’s “Reader’s Contest”. Yes, we know. We originally said there would only be three winners. But there were too many fantastic entries. So, thanks to the good graces- and deep pockets of our beloved publisher-the Editorial Board was given permission to pick an astonishing SEVEN winners. Let’s take a look at their winners.

Winning Entry One (name withheld to prevent persecution by Martin’s dwindling hillbilly lynchmob):

Martin is Louie DePalma’s evil twin. And DePalma was already pretty evil. Both are extremely insecure because of their diminutive size. Both say incredibly stupid and offensive things all the time. Much like DePalma, Martin feels that “the cage” that surrounds them gives them protection and power to do and say whatever they want. Like the cabbies at the Sunshine Cab Company, the voters of Villa Hills have the opportunity to ignore and reject Martin’s bulls#%t next year.

Winning Entry Two (name withheld to prevent persecution by Martin’s dwindling hillbilly lynchmob):

The Looney Tunes’ Tasmanian Devil is the embodiment of the mess created by that jacka#s Martin.

Both are mindless morons destroying everything their dirty hands touch. Do you want the obvious? Watch Martin do the infamous “Taz” spin at the next council meeting when he is confronting by a troubling question. Martin is so stupid that the question could even be, “What day is it?”

Winning Entry Three (name withheld to prevent persecution by Martin’s dwindling hillbilly lynchmob):

C’mon, it’s got to be Colonel Klink. Martin is exactly like that idiot Nazi Klink. Despite all of the many problems they have created, Klink and Martin are absolutely convinced that they are doing a fantastic job. That’s the best part of the comparison. Whether its prisoners-of-war coming and going as they please or taxpayer dollars they are bleeding out of the City’s treasury, both nitwits remain oblivious and falsely self-confident.

Winning Entry Four (name withheld to prevent persecution by Martin’s dwindling hillbilly lynchmob):

What better comparison to that doofus Martin than the blathering Ted Baxter of WJM-TV in Minneapolis fame? Have you listened to that dimwitted Martin? I mean, what the h#^l is “in-a-minute danger”? How many “Uh, er, umm, oh, ay, eh” comments do you need to know that Martin has absolutely no idea what the h#^l he’s sputtering about?”

Winning Entry Five (name withheld to prevent persecution by Martin’s dwindling hillbilly lynchmob):

That idiot Martin is the pathetic embodiment of Sheldon James Plankton, Jr. While the charcoal black hearts of neither will ever bring a public admission that it is so, both the miniature Martin and the puny Plankton know that they are the ones who are solely responsible for all of the terrible troubles that continue to dog them both. There is one major difference. Plankton’s computer wife Karen regularly reminds the wannabe Krabby Patty formula thief that his plans make no sense at all. Martin’s spouse Janet not only encourages Villa Hills’ diminutive dictator to continue to blaze an embarrassing avenue towards his own eventual self-destruction, she is an active participant in Martin’s imprudent plots.

Winning Entry Six (name withheld to prevent persecution by Martin’s dwindling hillbilly lynchmob):

How could anyone think Martin is anything but the living, breathing personification of the always-doomed-to-eventually-fail Dick Dastardly? Martin represents both a “Dick” and a “Dastardly” by everyone we have ever talked to who has had the misfortune of dealing with that little liar. We have had the unpleasant hard luck of meeting with Martin ourselves. Sure enough. Yes, my husband and I both think our entry should win us a New Year’s Eve dinner for two at the Thai-Tanic Restaurant!

Winning Entry Seven (name withheld to prevent persecution by Martin’s dwindling hillbilly lynchmob):

Martin is the real-life Colonel Flagg of M*A*S*H fame! Both of these clowns have no idea what the truth really is. Neither one is smart enough to understand the real damage they are doing either. It is the perfect comparison. I can easily see Martin hiding in a garbage can just like Flagg did to get answers about one of their paranoid plans. I can also easily see Martin getting garbage dumped on his flat head as people did exactly what they are supposed to be doing just like the loony Flagg did. Why can I see that? Because that’s exactly what seems to happen to that goofball Martin over and over again. The bad news? Martin’s misadventures are costing all of us all a misspent fortune.

With all due respect to The Joker, Boris Badenov, C.G.B. Spender and all of the many other Martin Chronicles’ readers who submitted wonderfully creative entries, our Editorial Board decided to go with the preceding “Magnificent Seven” because they were simply the best. We still love all of you. And we hope you continue to love us!

The seven winning couples are also going to receive an extra special New Year’s Eve surprise. Our beloved publisher is going to make a “surprise” visit to the Thai-Tanic Restaurant to toast the winners of our “Reader’s Contest” with expensive champagne and then pay for an endless amount of that expensive champagne throughout the night’s celebration.

Almost everyone knows that the real winners of next year’s most important contest will be the long-suffering residents of Villa Hills if they toss Martin and his garish goon squad out on their butts on November 4, 2014!

Merry Christmas!

The Martin Chronicles wishes all of its audience-even the ne'er-do-wells who are keeping a regular tab on us-a very Merry Christmas. May it be the best day of the entire year for all of you. Yes, this is the so-called "beloved publisher" sending you this message. Why? Because I am manning The Martin Chronicles all alone today.

But you should know that when the staff returns in full force tomorrow we will have many, many exciting things on which to report. The days ahead will reveal even more mendacious misadventures of the mismanaging and malfeasant Villa Hills Mayor Mike Martin.

2014 will also be an exciting year. Why? Well, the diminutive dictator Martin will have to stand for re-election.  Every time Martin tells a campaign LIE, we'll be there telling you the TRUTH. We know it will be very busy, but we just can't wait.

Anyway, MERRY CHRISTMAS! And, HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS!!! The best is yet to come.

It's only 314 more days until the next Election Day!

 







Ready Or Not, Here Comes Santa Claus!

The Martin Chronicles hopes that everyone in our ever-growing audience has hung all of their stockings by their chimney with care. Why? Because St. Nicholas will soon be there.

We hope that everyone has a joyous time with family and friends tomorrow. Our beloved publisher will be throwing a party-where there is sure to be abundant wassailing-and then closing The Martin Chronicles offices early today and will keep it closed tomorrow for Christmas Day so that everyone can enjoy the day with our family and friends.

But rest assured that our beloved publisher will continue to man the ramparts of freedom during this time. Why? Because he is working on a breaking story about a belated Christmas present-consisting largely of potentially costly lump of coal and bundle of switches-that will be served to Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin and some of the more ardent members of his hillbilly lynchmob that will surely not bring smiles to their faces.

The entire staff will return to our palatial offices early in the morning of St. Stephen's Day. We'll be working on bonus coverage of the pending gift for Martin and his hillbilly lynchmob, tallying the latest results of the contest we announced during our most recent WEEKENDER edition and working on other breaking news.

As we packed up and began to head out the door late Monday evening, our beloved publisher reminded us of the famous song "The Grinch". He said, "What are the three best words to describe the first three years of the dreadful Martin Mis-administration?"

Always anxious to please, our perky young intern quickly replied, "Stink. Stank. Stunk."

 













Current Events Coverage?

The Martin Chronicles is dedicated to bringing you all of the breaking news about Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin fast and first. After all, news is defined as "the communication of selected information on current events which is presented by print, broadcast, internet or word of mouth to a third party or mass audience". The keyword in that definition is "current".

Interestingly, Cincinnati.com posted a story on December 20 about a pretty significant event that took place at the December Villa Hills City Council meeting held on December 11-nine full days earlier. Readers of The Martin Chronicles knew this event was coming for several weeks. Why? Because we have been reporting on it for those past several weeks.

So what was this "pretty significant event"? The fact that the City Council voted 4 to 2 (with Councilmembers Baehner and Balson voting "NO") to increase the budget for taxpayer-funded legal fees BY A WHOPPING ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-EIGHT PERCENT.

Sadly, the Cincinnati.com compounded the lateness of its report by failing to probe beyond the mendacious Martin's evasive explanation for that incredible increase. In this case, two wrongs definitely do not make a right.

Martin simply said "the funds allocated to legal were getting low". He deceptively went on to explain that the skyrocketing legal costs were to pay his personal-and now City-Attorney Toad V. McMurtry and for the hiring of an attorney who specializes in human resources to evaluate the City's employee handbook.

But Martin intentionally avoided listing the many other reasons that created the need for the huge taxpayer-funded increase. For example:

• Martin intentionally avoided mentioning the cost for the lawsuit the City filed against its own Civil Service Board.
• Martin intentionally avoided mentioning that he has been using taxpayer money to pay an attorney to sue residents who have failed to pay the UNFAIR $40 PER CAR STICKER TAX.
• Martin intentionally avoided mentioning the cost for the lawsuit the City filed against a City employee.
• Martin intentionally avoided mentioning the cost of the legal preparation for the many hastily-convened-no-longer-so-special-Special Meetings that were either held or abruptly canceled in an effort to convince City Council to vote to spend taxpayer money to bail Martin out of a personal lawsuit.
• Martin intentionally avoided mentioning all of the taxpayer money that is being wasted to pay his personal-and now City-Attorney Toad V. McMurtry to investigate the investigation of the State Auditor's investigation of the State Labor Department's investigation of Martin's refusal to pay overtime to employees that resulted from his own abject mismanagement.

Oh, the reportage of Cincinnati.com and Martin's deceptive dodge, dip, duck, dive and dodge is even worse. You see, TWENTY-NINE THOUSAND TAXPAYER DOLLARS WERE STRIPPED OUT OF THE PUBLIC WORKS BUDGET-you know, the Public Works budget is part of the sacrosanct street repair and replacement program-to pay the SKYROCKETING LEGAL FEES. Plainly, money was diverted away from street repair to fund Martin's personal vendettas.

Cincinnati.com didn't even question the wisdom of such a move or press Martin on what is clearly A BROKEN PROMISE. How so? Martin promised to repeal the UNFAIR $40 PER CAR STICKER TAX and find the additional money needed for street repair and replacement in the City's current budget throughout his dirtbag 2010 mayoral campaign.

How do we know that? Because he was quoted saying so in The Kentucky Enquirer in August, 2010. Hey, you can go to the library and look it up. Remember?

In point of fact, the misdirecting Martin is doing exactly the opposite. Martin is taking money out of the City's current funds for street repair and replacement and moving them to the line item that funds the legal costs of his personal vendetta against the people he blames for his 2007 FORGERY ARREST.

While we are still a little less than a fortnight away from publishing our 2014 predictions, Villa Hills taxpayers can rest assured that Martin will have to ask City Council to amend the budget for legal fees yet again (READ: More wasted taxpayer money). Why? Because Martin's ongoing mismanagement and malevolence are going to generate even more lawsuits in the weeks and months ahead.

Worse yet, Martin's intentional misbehavior has led insurance carriers to inform the misdirecting mayor-and other so-called City "leaders"-that they will not underwrite any settlements that may eventually have to be paid. So, the taxpayers will be asked to dig deeper in to their wallets to cover the expense of Martin's continued misadventures.

Villa Hills voters still have to wait 315 days to decide whether or not they want to put a final end to this empty-headed foolishness.

Dick Dastardly Takes The Early Lead

The Martin Chronicles announced its Christmas Contest in its December 20 Friday WEEKENDER edition. The contest asked readers to choose the television icon who most resembles the incompetent and corrupt of Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin. We provided our readers with ten choices.

We have already received hundreds of entries. Our staff has retrieved a shocking number of entries at themartinchronicles.com. We have already received dozens of tweets to Twitter@themartinchronicles#crookcontest. Our perky young intern has also interacted with scores of readers who called 859.555.1212 to enter the contest. Evidently, many people really want to celebrate New Year's Eve at the Thai-Tanic Lounge.

We feel compelled to report that Dick Dastardly has taken the early lead. This despite the fact that there are many other television nitwits and ne'er-do-wells who are quite deserving of reader support. We suspect that the name "Dick Dastardly" has a great deal to do with the early results of the contest.

Please enter the contest. It's great holiday fun.

And a New Year's Eve dinner for two at the Thai-Tanic lounge is riding on it.





Breaking News: You Have To Read The Fine Print

The Martin Chronicles has been receiving a smattering of calls, emails and tweets from residents who want to know what the heck happened to the City of Villa Hills Christmas Celebration. Why? Because they quickly read signs that were posted at the City's entrance and at the intersection of Collins and Amsterdam.

The explanation is simple-and damning. The signs these residents glanced at were for a poorly-attended event that happened last week. The carolers, sleigh rides and visit from Santa that these residents thought they were going to more-or-less enjoy in tonight's crappy weather took place one full week ago. Martin was just too damned lazy and stupid to take down the outdated signs.

The lesson to be learned? When you are dealing with the mallet-headed Martin-always read the fine print. That is true whether you plan to drag your children out in the rain to see Santa or you want Martin to mangle the plumbing and electric in your bathroom.

There is a way to fix all of this.





WEEKENDER: Enter Our Contest!

The Martin Chronicles has decided to celebrate the Christmas season by having a reader contest. All we want is for our readers to tell us which television character is most like Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin and explain why. Our editorial board will judge the responses. The three best responses win New Year's Eve dinner for two at the Thai-Tanic Restaurant including a complimentary champagne toast. It's really that easy.

Here are your ten choices. Good luck!:

1. Colonel Wilhelm Klink - Klink was the vain, bumbling and incompetent Kommandant Oberst of Hogan's Heroes Stalag 13. The ineffectual Klink was always easily manipulated and bamboozled in this long-running comedy about a WWII prisoner of war camp. We never knew who was really running Stalag 13. Why? Because Klink was certainly abjectly incapable of doing so. The similarities to the mismanaging Martin are painfully obvious
2. The Tasmanian Devil - Often referred to simply as Taz, this character was both ferocious and dim-witted. Taz had a short temper and possessed little patience. He was best known for his speech which consisted mostly of grunts, growls and rasps and his ability to spin like a vortex. Brothers and Sisters, doesn't that all sound too familiar. Clearly, a solid candidate in our contest.
3. Ted Baxter - Baxter was the pompous nitwit, narcissistic anchorman for the fictional WJM-TV in Minneapolis, Minnesota. While his narcissism fueled Baxter's delusions of grandeur, his onscreen performance was buffoonish. A running joke of The Mary Tyler Moore Show was Baxter's abject incompetence, featuring a steady stream of mispronunciations (can anybody say "in-a-minute danger"?), malapropisms, pratfalls and miscues. Ironically, Baxter was the only one to survive the massive layoffs at WJM-TV is the series' final episode (November 6, 2012?). The similarities to Martin are surely eerie.
4. Sheldon James Plankton, Jr. - Plankton is the arch-nemesis in the hilarious Nickelodeon animated TV series SpongeBob SquarePants. Plankton mismanages the embarrassingly bad restaurant known as The Chum Bucket in the underwater town of Bikini Bottom. His primary goal is to put his former friend Mr. Krabs out of business by stealing the secret formula to the beloved Krabby Patty. Plankton's diabolical plans typically blow-up because of his ineptitude. Plankton suffers from a severe case of the "Napoleonic Complex" because he is so much smaller than the rest of the popular show's main characters. The amazing parallels make Plankton a tough choice to pass up in our contest.
5. The Joker - Our editorial board refers specifically to the 1960's Batman TV series Joker wonderfully portrayed by the venerable actor Cesar Romero. The Joker was an odd, green-haired, bad-dressing, thieving trickster who constantly bedeviled Batman and Robin. The Joker was absolutely amoral. This arch-villain had no concern about the terrible consequences of his twisted plans. My, oh my, that also sounds terribly familiar.
6. Louie DePalma - Louie is the Head Dispatcher of the Sunshine Cab Company from the 1970's hit TV series Taxi. He is completely unlikable and totally without morals. He spends most of his wasted time hurling insults and wreaking havoc from his caged dispatch office. DePalma soon became one of the most despised characters on television, possibly one of the most unredeemable and worthless louses on television at the time. Gee, what a frontrunner in this exciting contest.
7. Richard "Dick" Milhous Dastardly - The Dick Dastardly name alone makes this animated character from the animated series Wacky Races a leading contender in our Christmas contest. As his name implied, Dick Dastardly aimed to win solely through cheating and trickery. Ironically, despite all of his bad acts, Dick Dastardly actually failed to truly win a single race he entered. There is an important lesson to be learned here. That is precisely why Dick Dastardly might end up the top vote-getter in a comparison to the mallet-headed Martin.
8. Boris Badenov - Badenov earned his Martin-like chops on the 1960's animated series The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. Teamed-up with fellow spy Natasha Fatale, Badenov would fail time and time again to perpetrate his nefarious schemes on the unwitting citizens of these United States. Boris was an active member of Local 12 of the Villains, Thieves and Scoundrels Union. According to the show, Badenov took a scoundrelship from USC (the University of Safe-Cracking [Crushing]). These facts alone make Badenov a strong contender in our Christmas contest.
9. C.G.B. Spender- Commonly known as "The Smoking Man" on TV's 90's hit, The X-Files, Spender ineptly spent his time chain-smoking Morley cigarettes and desperately trying to foil the efforts of FBI Agents Fox "Spooky" Mulder and the luscious Doctor Dana Scully. Spender was the lead man attempting to grease the skids of a terrible alien-the guys from outer space-invasion of Earth. Yes-much like the malevolent Martin-Spender would ultimately prove to be unsuccessful in his despicable efforts. This fact alone makes Spender worthy of consideration for our reader's vote.
10. Lieutenant Colonel Sam Flagg - Flagg is an inept American Intelligence Officer from the amazing 70's/80's television series M*A*S*H. He alternately claims to be an agent from the CIA, the CIC or the CID (or a licensed electrician and/or plumber). His behavior is paranoid and irrational. Flaggs' most famous (and Martin-like) quote? "Nobody can get the truth out of me because I don't even know what it is. I keep myself in a state of utter confusion." Is that Martin, or what? Flagg is a clear contender for the winner of the contest.

Okay, there are your ten choices. E-Mail us at themartinchonicles.com or place your entry on Twitter@themartinchronicles#crookcontest. You can even phone your entry in at 859.555.1212 and get the chance to speak to our perky, young intern.

May the best entry win!

Thanks For Asking

The Martin Chronicles is pleased that we've received so many phone calls and e-mails today about the location of the Thai-Tanic Restaurant. We suppose many people want to go there in hopes of catching a glimpse of our beloved-but elusive-publisher.

So, here are the MapQuest directions coming from malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin's war-torn Villa Hills:

Head east on Buttermilk Pike and turn north on to Dixie Highway. You'll pass a small strip center on your right that includes Krakatoa Chiropractic and Chernobyl Cutlery.

Continue on exactly three miles to the traffic island and turn west at the light on to Little Big Horn Highway.

Continue west on Little Big Horn Highway to the fourth traffic light. You will see the Alamo Rent-A-Car on your right. Turn south on to Avalanche Avenue.

Continue on Avalanche Avenue 1.8 miles and then turn west on Rockslide Road.

Continue .5 miles on Rockslide Road to the stop sign and head south on the Kamikaze Cut-Off.

Continue .8 miles and head west on the Bhopal Bypass. Mrs. O'Leary's Dairy Farm is on your right.

Continue 1.1 miles on the Bhopal Bypass and then head south on Black Death Boulevard at the second traffic light. Broken Arrow Antiques will be on your right.

Continue .7 miles past the Lusitania Lounge and the Thai-Tanic Restaurant will be on the left. (Note: If you pass Hindenburg High School, you have gone too far.)

Yes, the first three dreadful years of the Martin Mis-administration have been a disaster of epic proportions that only the passage of another 318 arduous days can possibly begin to repair.





Old Habits Can Be Hard To Break

The Martin Chronicles beloved publisher returned to the office this afternoon after meeting a physician friend of his for their bi-monthly luncheon at the Thai-Tanic Asian Restaurant in South Ft. Mitchell. He seemed more than a bit dyspeptic. It had absolutely nothing to do with the heaping plate of spicy garlic and pepper shrimp he had just devoured.

When asked what was the matter, our beloved publisher started out by shaking his head and saying, "I guess old habits can be hard to break. I've covered many a crooked knucklehead over the years. But (Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike) Martin is the cake-taker." Yes, you guessed it. We all pressed for more information.

Our grizzled guru answered our many inquiries with a question of his own, "Do you all remember the fifth symptom of Executive Function Disorder we wrote about in our Tuesday post?" Always anxious to please the boss, our perky, young intern immediately blurted out, "I do. It is 'Past consequences for negative behavior don't alter future behavior'."

Recognizing our perky, young intern's need for self affirmation, our learned leader said, "Exactly right. And after what I heard at lunch today, its abundantly clear that Martin hasn't learned a single thing for the past consequences he has faced for negative behavior." Everyone wanted the details.

Our gifted guide continued, "Well, you know I had lunch with Doctor (Name withheld because we don't want him or her to be libeled, slandered or defamed by Martin's hillbilly lynchmob) today. You also know the good doctor spends some time working in the Emergency Room at St. Elizabeth Hospital."

Everyone was now on the edge of their seats and listening very closely. Looking for even more "brownie points", our perky, young intern said, "I sure do. So please tell us what happened!"

Our astute advisor then said, "I'm getting to that. So, anyway, Doctor (Name withheld because we don't want him or her to be libeled, slandered or defamed by Martin's hillbilly lynchmob) told me he recently talked to (Name withheld because we also don't want him or her to be libeled, slandered or defamed by Martin's hillbilly lynchmob) about an encounter he had with Martin. It seems that (Name withheld because we don't want him or her to be libeled, slandered or defamed by Martin's hillbilly lynchmob) recently went to the Villa Hills City Building to place an Open Records request."

Oh, this was getting good. Everyone couldn't wait to hear what happened next.

Our talented tutor continued, "Well, (Name withheld because we don't want him or her to be libeled, slandered or defamed by Martin's hillbilly lynchmob) witnessed Mary Koenig seated at the clerk's desk, City Clerk Craig Bohman down on his knees, he hoped because Bohman was fooling with the carpet and that goofy Martin offering to help. So Martin fills out the acknowledgement of the Open Records request he just received."

By the Great Spirit, this was getting good. Our most veteran reporter shouted out, "Tell us what happened, Boss!"

Our courageous chief continued, " So when Martin handed (Name withheld because we don't want him or her to be libeled, slandered or defamed by Martin's hillbilly lynchmob) the acknowledgement, (Name withheld because we don't want him or her to be libeled, slandered or defamed by Martin's hillbilly lynchmob) looked at it an saw that Martin had signed Craig Bohman's name to it! I mean, holy s#&t! Isn't Martin the jerkwater who was already ARRESTED FOR FORGERY IN 2007 because he signed his name to his deceased mother's checks and then cashed them? What the h&%l was that idiot thinking?!?!"

The Martin Chronicles staff never dares to challenge our beloved publisher. But we all wondered to ourselves why he would even consider the remote possibility that the miscreant Martin ever thinks about anything. Not now. Not ever. Never.

Martin does have a (hopefully) terminal (in 319 days) case of Executive Function Disorder, after all.



 



Then What Will Martin Do?

The Martin Chronicles listened to Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin casually announce that Kenton County may no longer be able to collect the UNFAIR $40 PER CAR STICKER TAX imposed on Villa Hills resident after June 30, 2014 and collectively wondered what the diminutive dictator will do then? Does the tiny tyrant have a plan?

Will Martin use this looming problem as an excuse to renew his push for his NEW UNFAIR ENERGY TAX? MARTIN'S NEW UNFAIR ENERGY TAX disproportionately punishes Villa Hills senior citizens, residents who live in larger or older, less-energy-efficient homes, local businesses and not-for-profit schools and retirement homes who once found the City a friendly place to do business and provide their valuable services.

Will Martin move collection of the UNFAIR $40 PER CAR STICKER TAX back to the City? This despite the fact that the perpetually dissembling Martin pledged to eliminate the UNFAIR $40 PER CAR STICKER TAX during his dirtbag 2010 mayoral campaign? If he does so, who will he blame this time?

Will Martin suggest raising the CITY'S SNEAKY INSURANCE PREMIUM TAX as an alternative? We can just hear it now. The mendacious Martin and others like the Rhine Maiden Councilwoman Mary Koenig will justify such an increase claiming that the CITY'S SNEAKY INSURANCE PREMIUM TAX is among the lowest in Kenton County.

We have a suggestion. Why doesn't the mismanaging Martin do something original and simply tell us the truth? The last three dreadful years of his misadministration has already provided us with all of the evidence we need. Martin should announce that street repair and replacement is no longer a priority. Martin should get his new council to agree to the repeal of the UNFAIR $40 PER CAR STICKER TAX and simply move on.

Why should the residents continue to shell out their hard-earned money for an obviously non-existent street repair program? Thanks to Martin's woefully ineffective leadership, it no longer makes sense.

Martin should live up to the solemn promise he made to the voters' who elected him as a result of his dirtbag 2010 mayoral campaign and he should finally push hard for the repeal of the UNFAIR $40 PER CAR STICKER TAX. Remember, he is the "CEO". These issues are his to decide. Everyone else simply needs to "deal with it". Then, hopefully, we can all "move on" after we toss him out of office on November 4. 2014.

That opportunity presents itself in 320 days.



Executive Function Disorder

The Martin Chronicles beloved publisher has friends all over the world. He has been known to frequently contact these friends in an effort to gain some outside perspective on any subject that is a subject of his reportage.

One of the people are beloved publisher frequently contacts lives close to home. This contact is a Psychology professor at Northern Kentucky University. This contact has been watching Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin very closely and has developed some strong opinions. This contact recently met our beloved publisher for dinner and suggested that we take a close look at a disorder known as "Executive Function Disorder" as a means of coming to grips with the ongoing corruption and incompetence that has exemplified the mismanaging Martin's first-and hopefully, only-term as mayor.

 







Our beloved publisher's psychiatrist friend is convinced that the woefully mismanaging Martin suffers from what is know as Executive Function Disorder. No, its not a reason to feel sorry for Martin. Its just represents an attempt to understand why Martin continues to behave in an inexplicably destructive way.

Our psychiatrist source suggests that all we have to do to discern that Martin suffers from Executive Function Disorder is to look at the back of the tiny tyrant's head. It's flat. Our source says that Martin's flat head is a symptom of someone who is often called a "crib baby". Our sources suggests that Martin has a difficult time dealing with complex issues and cannot effectively interact with competent people because he spent his infancy ignored, left unattended and laying flat on his back in his crib. Again, this is not a reason to feel sorry for the flat-headed Martin.

 

So, what are the symptoms Martin exhibits of Executive Function Disorder? Let's take a serious look at them:

• Difficulty and/or lack of interest in setting goals
• Little sense of pleasure in making progress towards a goal
• Difficulty taking initiative
• Motivated by immediate needs
• Past Consequences for negative behavior don’t alter future actions
• Inability to reflect on past experience to plan for the future
• Difficulty adapting to change
• May vacillate from impulsivity to rigidity
• May continue to use the same strategy to solve a life problem, even when it has already proven ineffective.
• Doesn’t learn to stop and select a strategy that best fits a problem before trying to solve it
• Very poorly developed identity or self concept
• Little awareness of, or interest in learning of personal limitations or weaknesses, even if presented in a constructive manner
• Rapid mood fluctuations, not due to a psychiatric mood disturbance
• Insensitivity to inner emotional state.  May “act out” an emotion, rather than recognize and verbalize a feeling.
• Poor frustration tolerance.  Gives up easily when frustrated.
• Sees personal problems as externally caused.  Unable to see his/her own contribution to the problem.
• Difficulty taking other’s perspective, or point of view
• Lack of empathy.



Yes, this accurately describes Martin and the problems he continues to rain down on the once-proud City of Villa Hills. Martin cannot seem to learn from his ongoing mistakes. This is why he received a CONFIDENTIAL REPRIMAND FROM THE VILLA HILLS ETHICS BOARD, and was CONVICTED ON SEVEN OF NINE COUNTS OF OFFICIAL MISCONDUCT and NEGLECT OF DUTY.



 

 

Desperate to end Martin's ongoing embarrassment, the voters gave the mayhem-making Martin an entirely new council to work with beginning in January 2012. Instead of a "Golden Moment", Martin quickly squandered any goodwill he might have received by being caught in yet another LIE when his long-standing plan to disband the local police department was "accidentally" revealed.

 



The misdirecting Martin also continues to resort to the same tactics that landed him is so much hot water during his first two dreadful years in office. Martin continues to dodge, dip, duck, dive and dodge about the true state of the City's financial condition.

 









Martin also continues to ignore requests for information from the new council that voter's surrounded him with. Council is tasked with the duty of oversight. But it is abundantly clear by the way Martin and his personal-and now City-Attorney Toad V. McMurtry continue to come up with questionable excuses for why the council should not receive the information they have requested. It's becoming ever clearer that Martin simply can't work with others.

 

Martin also continues to expect the taxpayers to pay his bills for the LIBEL, SLANDER and DEFAMATION he alone is responsible for. How do we know this? One doesn't have to look further than the several costly-to-the-taxpayers, not so "special" Special Meetings he continues to hastily convene.



Again, this is no reason to feel sorry for the tiny tyrant. Instead, Executive Function Disorder is a good reason for voters to send Martin back to a "shoddy-at-best", this time forever, private life. Martin will run an aggressive-and very dishonest-campaign to be re-elected in 2014. Will the voters fall for his LIES yet gain?



 

 
 

We'll know in 321 days.