2013 Predictions

The Martin Chronicles has our Top 15 Predictions as we head in to 2013. No, we don't claim to be psychic. We simply understand that past is prologue. Don't worry. We'll keep track of our score.

1. That loud, clunking sound you will be hearing for much of the year will be caused by the butting of the heads of malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin and Councilman Mary Koenig.
2. Villa Hills' crime rate will continue to skyrocket. No, we aren't just talking about the crime that occurs daily at 720 Rogers Road.
3. The new council will quickly vote to disband the Civil Service Commission. They will also likely waste large amounts of taxpayer money on legal fees attempting to strip current employees of legal protections afforded by Kentucky statute.
4. Councilman Koenig will introduce her proposed ordinance to prohibit council from investigating the mayor. Despite the fact that such an ordinance is in direct contravention of KRS 83A, the new council will buckle under to the demands of Martin's hillbilly lynchmob and other various and sundry pinheads, gun-slingers and mouth-breathers and pass the ordinance.
5. The new council will vote to pay Shorty's legal fees owed to that doofus Toad McMurtry.
6. Little or no road repair work will be done for the third straight year. This will serve as the primary rationale for Councilman Koenig's proposed new road tax. At some point she will equate the higher taxes to the cost of "one large pizza and a pitcher of beer a month". She will fail to mention that it is the taxpayers' "one large pizza and pitcher of beer a month".
7. Mediocre Mayor Martin will falsely claim to "find" more money.
8. Mediocre Mayor Martin will trigger more lawsuits in 2013.
9. Our snitches from that cesspool called the civic club will frequently report that the drunks at the bar comment about the miscreant Martin that "that little feller is doin' a dag-blamed good job now that there is a council that will work with him". Then they will all pick their noses and say, "Yup".
10. The bilious blowhard County Boss Steve Arlinghaus will convince the malaprop Martin and the new council to turn over most City services to the Kenton Kounty storm troopers. Despite this, the City's 2013 property tax will be raised by the maximum amount allowed by Kentucky statute at the urging of all-around-good-guy Councilman Jim Cahill.
11. Despite falsely claiming to have resigned in November of 2011, bucket-headed-crony-hire-clerk/bookkeeper Cordelia Schaber will continue to receive taxpayer-funded checks to the tune of $47.50 per hour throughout 2013.
12. The insubordinate Interim City Clerk Sue Bree will remain in her inert state throughout 2013.
13. There will be discussion about raising the insurance premium tax so that "it is in line with the rate most other Northern Kentucky Cities are collecting".  
14. Councilman Koenig and others will propose raising the City's payroll tax. At some point, Martin will proclaim that "the beauty of this tax is that it isn't paid by the residents". Well, at least it isn't paid by Shorty. Along with license and permit fees for his unlicensed electrical and plumbing work.
15. Councilman Rod Baehner (rhymes with Koenig) will frequently wax ineloquently about vague concepts like "moving the City forward", "being fair" and "putting the past behind us". Hey Rod, where else would the past be but behind us? Just sayin'.

Again, Happy New Year everybody. We can't wait.

Take THAT You . . . Uh-Oh!

The Martin Chronicles is sure you remember the famous-and ill-fated-promise of 1928 Presidential Candidate Herbert Hoover. Sure you do. Hoover promised his election would guarantee "a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage". The actual result? The United States joined the rest of the world in a plunge into The Great Depression in less than a year.

Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin made a similar pinheaded pronouncement in these waning days of 2012. What did Shorty say? That he has the real solution to Villa Hills skyrocketing crime problem. C'mon. You know what his vacuous idea is. You've read the odd pronouncements from the social networking hillbillies who support the mediocre mayor after all.

That's right. Martin told the gathering that a fully-staffed police department won't help stem the rise in home invasions and car break-ins. His suggestion is "a gun in every home". Yup. That'll git 'er dun. He he he he he.

Great idea, huh? That is until some blind-drunk slob waddles home from a night of binge drinking at the civic club and has his skittish wife bust a cap in his fat rump because he fumbled around too long with the front-door key. Or a shaky septuagenarian blows away the poor pizza delivery guy. Or your camo-wearing, liquored-up, hillbilly neighbor pumps two barrels of buckshot into his wife because she over-cooked his deer steak on the grill. You think things are bad now?

If you think this is an indication of how bizarre 2013 is shaping up in Villa Hills, you're exactly right. We are already on the trail of several new stories, all of which are going to cost the taxpayers even more money.

Happy New Year everybody! It appears Martin plans to continue to give the vapid voters of Villa Hills exactly what they voted for. Perhaps this time - right between the eyes!



Strange Bedfellows

The Martin Chronicles is relishing the prospect of reporting on one of the oddest alliances to be struck in the long rich history of corruption and cronyism that is Kentucky politics.We refer of course to the bed being shared by the bilious blowhard County Boss Steve Arlinghaus and the reanimated Villa Hills Councilman Mary Koenig.

We have to go back to the end of the last millennium in order to fully appreciate the richness of the unholy pairing of Arlinghaus and Councilman Koenig. Arlinghaus was an old-fashioned Kentucky Democrat back in those days. He also had the unenviable position of standing between Fraulein Koenig and her dreams of glory for her son mAdam. How? Arlinghaus and mAdam Koenig were competing for the same seat on the Kenton County Fiscal Court.

Mary Koenig's remorseless emasculation of Arlinghaus has become the stuff of political legend. Koenig and a flock of Rhine maidens she recruited went door-to-door telling everyone who would listen all the ugly details of Arlinghaus' then-recent, messy divorce. And there were ugly details galore.

Yes, we know. All voters like to believe they don't respond to mud-slinging and bogus attacks. But they do. Every single time. Koenig did know that then. And she knows it better than ever now. Young mAdam rolled to victory over Arlinghaus. It was mAdam's first step in what has proven to be a long, unremarkable political career devoid of accomplishment. It all started with his mother's vicious airing of baskets-full of Steve Arlinghaus' personal dirty laundry.

Flash forward roughly fifteen years. My how things have changed. Arlinghaus is now the Tea-Party-pinhead-endorsed, rock-ribbed Republican Kenton County Boss, squandering taxpayer money on granite counter-tops and pushing for so many taxes that even the Sheriff of Nottingham would blush.. Koenig has returned to Villa Hills Council, using public money and employees to finally fix the "Harry Rigney Park problem" behind her house on East Laguna and already "approving" improper expenditures.

Best of all? The two will spend the next two years spooning tightly together between the political sheets to turn over control of Villa Hills to Kenton County.

The vacuous voters of Villa Hills will be getting EXACTLY what they voted for yet again.

Mayan Musings

The Martin Chronicles has been told that Villa Hills miscreant Mayor Mike Martin informed his miserable employees that the City's Christmas Party will commence right after the world ends. Given the shoddy-at-best condition of that crummy town's City government, most employees are rooting for Armageddon. But no party.

By the way, what crazy calendar is crony-hire-$47.50-per-hour-bucket-headed-clerk/bookkeeper Cordelia Schaber using? She claims she resigned her City position in November 2011. If that is true, WHY ARE THE OVER-TAXEDPAYERS STILL GIVING HER A PAYCHECK????

The Martin Chronicles suggests that the most important timepiece is now the 2014 election countdown clock. The malevolent Martin stands for re-election in a mere 683 days. We sure hope at least one brave-and credible-soul decides to run against the malfeasant Martin.

It won't be an easy assignment. Villa Hills is now bursting at the seams with hillbillies, ridge-runners, hayseeds and rubes. You know. Martin's core constituency.

More daunting yet, any future Martin opponent must be aware that they will be the target of a vicious campaign of LIBEL, SLANDER and DEFAMATION launched by Shorty, his loud-mouthed wife Janet and the vine-swinging mouth-breathers from that over-flowing cesspool laughingly referred to as a civic club.

Still, we hope somebody-besides us-does something.

The clock is operating.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: We can't wait to report to you who we saw tossing back beers at KJ's the other night. Until then, Merry Christmas!]

Yes, Virginia. Martin Is A LAWBREAKER!

The Martin Chronicles is confident that Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin has all kinds of wacky and crooked things planned for the pinheaded residents of his crummy little city in 2013. We just can't wait. For all of you yahoos who believed that surrounding Shorty with an entirely new council was the solution to Martin's mayhem-

GOOD FRIGGIN' LUCK!!!!!

 



Random Observations

The Martin Chronicles is ramping up for a Merry Christmas. We are filled with a sense of peace and goodwill towards (most) men and women. But that doesn't mean we will stop doing our job.
 
First, a sincere THANK YOU to outgoing council members George Bruns, Greg Kilburn, Scott Ringo and Tim Sogar. All four of you have been tremendous public servants who made a positive difference in your community. The four of you join a long line of people who were "fouled up" simply by coming in contact with Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin.
 
You see, many people just can't find it in themselves to believe that the mediocre Martin is that dishonest and that stupid. Instead, they fall for Martin's perpetual excuse that everyone is simply out to get him. The voters took it out on you just because you rightfully believed that the sinister Shorty should play by the same rules everyone else does. The election result says everything about the lame-brained voters in the hillbillified Villa Hills and nothing about the exceptional quality of your public service. The idiot voters don't deserve you.
 
Next, goodbye (for now) to the lunatic Mike Pope. One would be hard-pressed to find a more rancid turd in the proverbial punch bowl than the wing-nutty Pope. For those of you who worry that you will never see the putrid Pope again, be not afraid. The venomous Mary Koenig is back. Jim Cahill is back. Even the malevolent Martin is on a return appearance. Given the rampant stupidity of the Villa Hills voting populace, don't be surprised if we see a sequel for the dreadful Pope as well.

The wacky Pope confirmed what we already knew at last night's council meeting. Namely, that he is an avid reader of The Martin Chronicles. By the way Mr. Pope, we are a blog. You are the website wacko-job. The last piece of good news regarding the dopey Pope? He will remain a "quasi-public figure". So, we will still have old Pope to kick around.

Then there's Jim Noll. In a word, IDIOT.

And of course there is the incoming council.

We already know that pasty battle-axe Mary Koenig is over-stepping her legal authority. We have every confidence that she will do for the mediocre Martin what she did for Steve Clark. And then some.

Has anyone seen Brian Wischer since election day? Some are speculating that Wischer was thrown for a major loop when the Hostess Bakery folded.

How about Rod Baehner (rhymes with Koenig)? Are we going to be subjected to two years of Martin-esques soliloquies about the battle between his head and heart? Will he emasculate himself straddling the fence? Time will quickly tell.

To the hateful Koenig, Wischer, Baehner (rhymes with Koenig) and the rest, enjoy the next two years. We know we will.

Merry Christmas everybody!

Perhaps THIS Explains It?

The Martin Chronicles hit the blogosphere on October 8, 2011. Our mission? To report on the incompetence and corruption of The Little Man From Norwood, the mediocre Mike Martin. The Norwood Sewer Rat's corruption and incompetence and our coverage of it both continue full-throttle to this very day.

What about the title? Why "The Martin Chronicles"? Well, it is a satirical take-off on the Ray Bradbury collection of short stories titled The Martian Chronicles.

In point of fact, our readers had a little trouble finding us in the very early days of our blog. Internet searches often led to The Martian Chronicles. But not any more.

Is there another reason? Perhaps there is. It would certainly explain the otherwise inexplicable.



Boomshakalaka Update

The Martin Chronicles has received numerous inquiries about the drunken, buck-naked teenage girl who recently showed up at a local loon's doorstep. We've learned more details and thought we would pass them along.

Many people want to know who the "local loon" is. There are so many loons in mediocre Mayor Mike Martin's Villa Hills, after all. Shorty included. We can tell you this:

• This loon is not a big fan of commercial development. Especially commercial development near his home; and
• This loon has been known to put defamatory, fluorescent pink signs in his yard; and
• This loon became legendary for going door-to-door passing out equally defamatory coroner's toe tags during the 2010 election; and
• Councilflake Mike Pope accused this loon of building a "playhouse" in his backyard so that he could spy on Pope's children; and
• This loon was a surprise witness during malfeasant Mayor Martin's removal hearing.

Got it? We thought so.

The story gets better. There were actually two drunken, buck-naked teenaged girls. They drove several miles to this loon's house after having a single-car accident-with their airbags deployed!

We'll finish the story of what happened when this loon opened his door to greet two drunken, buck-naked teenaged girls in a future post. It will shock and amaze you.

A Word For Our Publisher

The Martin Chronicles began reporting on that corrupt clown car known as the misadministration of Villa Hills mediocre Mayor Mike Martin on October 8, 2011. It hasn't always been easy and it hasn't always been fun. But we have done it.

Every now and again one of our informants tells us that a subject of our reportage has gotten their nose out of joint. They bleat. They bray. They howl. But they also know we have done nothing but report the truth.

So, to all of those participants in that panoply of the pathetic and perverted lead by The Norwood Sewer Rat we have this to say. Too bad.

Who's Not Getting The Job Done?

The Martin Chronicles is reluctant to report on the burgeoning crime wave in mediocre Mayor Mike Martin's Villa Hills. Why? Well, we think the news of a growing number of car thefts and home invasions may inspire Martin and his loony goon squad to press ahead even more quickly to disband the Villa Hills Police Department.

We can just hear Mayor Mighty Mouse now. "If they can't get the job done, I'll get someone who will. Safety is my first priority-er, uh, give or take he he he he he". Then bilious blowhard County Boss Steve Arlinghaus will ride in on his over-loaded white stallion to save the day with his Kenton Kounty Kops. It paints a beautiful picture. If you're a hare-brained hayseed.

That would leave the open question of why Martin chose to only get rid of one entity he believes "isn't getting the job done". Just consider this.

Martin has done nothing but issue a hide-saving, bogus reprimand to inert Interim City Clerk Sue Bree. According to Shorty, Bree has regularly violated Federal and State laws and City ordinances. Sounds like a horrific "hat trick" to us. Yet she continues to take up space-shredding her old Atkin's Diet recipes in contempt of a Court order-at 720 Rogers Road. And you are paying her.

Then there is Assistant City Clerk Kimberly Robbins. According to a press release issued by The Norwood Sewer Rat himself-and dutifully served up inaccurately by some media outlets-an intoxicated Robbins threatened a Kenton Kounty Korrections Kop, telling the poor S.O.B. that "there's a bullet with your name on it". Evidently that threat led to Robbins being "arrested right in front of the City Building". WOW! Really? Is that a fact? It gives one pause about conducting any business at 720 Rogers Road.

Oh, and that scary dude MARY HARDMAN. Does illegally torching City records fit The Little CEO's definition of "getting the job done"? It must. Because not only didn't MARY HARDMAN receive her lovely parting gift, she has now been put in charge of the meaningless Martin's all-important initiatives to save coffee, paper towels and toilet paper.

Along with that allegedly-treacherous triumvirate, Martin continues to use your tax dollars to employ a Police Chief who The Little CEO says routinely lies to him, a Detective he publicly stated under oath committed perjury and planted evidence and a Public Works Director who The Little Man From Norwood says took it upon himself to wantonly destroy City property.

But wait. There's more. You are also still paying "The-Bucket-Head-Crony-Hire- Incompetent-Clerk/Bookkeeper-That-Wouldn't-Leave" Cordelia Schaber. This despite THE FACT that she announced to the world that she resigned in November, 2011. Even the Mayan Calendar tells us that is more than a full year ago.

So, if Martin is telling the truth about any or all of these people, and if your tax dollars are still paying them-exactly who is it again that isn't getting the job done?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: What local loon recently had an unknown drunken teenage girl show up at his house buck naked? And what happened next? BOOMSHAKALAKA!!!]

The Shape Of Things To Come

The Martin Chronicles has used humor to point out that at least some of the incoming Villa Hills council members have yet to meet a tax they didn't like. But it really isn't funny. And it really is true.

Let's start with the re-animated, mean-spirited Mary Koenig. For full disclosure, we suspect that there has been such an influx of hayseeds and hillbillies into the City over the past five years that there is almost no institutional memory of Koenig's despicable engineering of the disaster that was Mayor Steve Clark's brief administration and the termination of then-Police Chief Corky Brown (which, by the way, is one of the reasons we wonder why in the wide, wide world of sports soon-to-be-councilman Jim Cahill had a Koenig campaign sign in his yard. Disgraceful? Gutless? Both?)

Okay. Back to Koenig. We suspect it won't be long before the dim-witted voters of Villa Hills recognize the severity of their mistake electing this grimalkin. If for no other reason than Koenig is going to immediately grab for their wallets.

Koenig supported the payroll tax. Koenig supported the insurance premium tax. Koenig supported the recreation tax. Koenig voted for the MAXIMUM PROPERTY TAX INCREASE EVERY SINGLE YEAR SHE WAS ON COUNCIL.

So what do we expect to happen this time? Look for the Rhine Maiden Koenig to push hard to increase the insurance premium tax to the maximum amount allowed by law. And don't be surprised when the primordial necromancer re-introduces a much larger version of THE ROAD TAX.

We have also learned that the money-grubbing City government in Ft. Wright now has the Kenton County hooligans collecting an ad valorem (based on its' value) tax ON THE CARS OF ITS' RESIDENTS. If we know it, so does the vile Koenig. Look for that pasty battle-axe to push hard to enact such a tax as soon as possible. And don't be surprised when Jim Cahill fully supports Koenig's krazy proposal. How will they sell it? They'll tell the other council newbies that "it's for the children" (pronounced "chowww-drin"). How could anyone vote against the chowww-drin?

We also anticipate the mediocre Martin will conduct another one of his pathetically stupid public debates between what his head and his heart are telling him to do. Then of course there will be the voices inside his head speaking to him as well. Ultimately, the venomous Koenig will get her way.

Look. We don't care. Not even a little bit. The way everyone at The Martin Chronicles sees it, the people of Villa Hills will once again be "getting what they voted for". Even if they were too stupid to realize it.
 
[EDITOR'S NOTE: We have a question for Villa Hills miscreant Mayor Mike Martin. Just who is "Mr. Jones"?]

Cats On A Very Hot Tin Roof

The Martin Chronicles' informants are telling us that most of the new, incoming council members are very nervous about the prospects of trying to navigate between the blue smoke and mirrors that is sure to spewing non-stop from Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin beginning January 1, 2013. Those that are nervous are the smart ones. 

Just look at the senseless wreckage Martin has left in his wake as we approach the end of the first two years of his remorseless Reign of Error. Employees libeled and slandered by The Little Man From Norwood. Neighbors divided against neighbors by The Norwood Sewer Rat. Reputations of hard-working, dedicated public servants both past and present senselessly sullied by Shorty. Why? Just so that Martin could save his own dishonest hide. Most of the incoming council people know they very well may be next.

What about the lovely parting gift Martin has given the outgoing council? What? You don't know what that is? Well, he is suing them all in a disgraceful attempt to force them to pay his high-priced whore Toad McMurtry's legal fees. Is this what the malevolent Martin meant when he said it was "time to start the healing"?

Insiders say some of the newbie council-elect are also concerned about "the media pinheads". There are media pinheads aplenty who have mostly unwittingly helped The Little CEO as he stumbled along his trail of corruption.

Among the leading contenders for The Martin Chronicles' "Media Pinhead of the Year" Award is the headline writer from The Kentucky Enquirer/Community Recorder/cincinnati.com. Why? Let's just look at the most recent example. Because Despite the fact that Martin was found GUILTY on SEVEN of the NINE MISCONDUCT charges against him, the headline writer inexplicably reported that the mendacious Martin was ACQUITTED?!?! What's that word we're looking for? Oh, right. That's it. IDIOT.

And then the new council folk will have to remain mindful of Martin's fanatical hillbilly lynchmob. What happens if a council person dares to take a stand against Martin on something? On anything? Will they be subjected to ridgerunners' uncontrolled, mindless attacks and bumpkin bimbo threats of gun violence from the podium? Why should they think they will be immune from Martin's Norwood-style gutter politics?

Sources say there is one council person-elect who isn't nervous at all. You know who that is, don't you? Why, it's the re-animated Mary Koenig. The coming turf war between the meat-headed Martin and mean-spirited Koenig is going to be great fun to watch. Blood-sport at its very best. The great question? How many people-including the new council-will get caught in the crossfire. Probably a big bunch.

One local observer likens the coming showdown between Martin and Koenig to the great sci-fi movie, Alien vs. Predator. We like the analogy. And we can't wait.

Our advice to the rest of council come January 1st? Be afraid. Be very afraid.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: A piece of advice to the new council. Heed the admonition of that great boxing referee Mills Lane, "Protect yourself at all times".]

Just In Time For Christmas!

The Martin Chronicles' beloved publisher walked in to the office with an amazed look on his face this morning. He told us how he woke up very early and turned on his television to watch the news. What happened next? Our fearless leader saw an incredible infomercial. Fortunately he was able to fire up the DVR so that we can bring a portion of the infomercial to you. Who knows? You may want to buy some for last-minute stocking stuffers.

Hello, I'm Toad McMurtry, spokesperson for and co-inventor of the amazing new product Marti-MEM. Like most busy Americans, I'm sure you have found yourself in the position of either not being able or not wanting to remember some important facts.

Our amazing, breakthrough product, Marti-MEM, is scientifically-proven to help you restore your memory of key people, places and events. Start taking your dose of Marti-MEM every morning and your memory will be restored in just 48 hours!

With Marti-MEM, you may not have remembered then-BUT YOU WILL REMEMBER NOW!!!

Marti-MEM is not available in stores. Go to the phone right now and call 1-800-328-7448. Operators are standing by to take your order of Marti-MEM. That number again, 1-800-328-7448!

But wait, There's more!

Place your order for Marti-MEM in the next thirty minutes and you'll receive an autographed copy of Villa Hills Mayor Mike Martin's book, "Shoddy-At-Best Excuses For All Occasions" absolutely free! You just pay separate shipping and handling.

Go to the phone immediately and call 1-800-328-7448 and you'll receive a 30-day supply of the breakthrough product Marti-MEM and your own autographed copy of "Shoddy-At-Best-Excuses For All Occasions" all for the low, low, LOW price of $19.99. That number again, 1-800-328-7448.

This is Toad McMurtry reminding you that while you may not have remembered then, YOU WILL REMEMBER NOW when you order Marti-MEM.

DISCLAIMER: Side effects from Marti-MEM include delusions of grandeur, pathological dishonesty, extreme paranoia, uncontrollable swiveling, inappropriate laughter, the inability to discern geometric shapes and stuttering.

Do You Think Its A Sign?

The Martin Chronicles received an invitation to the Inaugural Ball being thrown for the six new incoming-or reanimated-council people who will begin serving with Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin on January 1, 2013. We think there were some misprints on the invitation. At least we sure as (EXPLETIVE) hope so. Otherwise, it's going to be an expensive two years.

The Mayor and First Lady of The City of Villa Hills, Kentucky

Cordially Invite You To Join Us

At The Villa Hills Civic Club

721 Rogers Road, Villa Hills

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Beginning at 8:30PM

To Watch

Mary Koentax

Jim Catax

Holly Mennintax-Isentax

Amy Baltax

Rod Baehntax and

Brian Wischtax

Take Their Oath Of Office.

FREE BEER, SET-UPS, GUN CLEANING, KNIFE SHARPENING & BANJO TUNING!

Bring A Buddy! Tell A Friend!

 

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Not to worry. It's unlikely that the new council will raise your property tax by any more than 4% a year. Not impossible. Just not likely.]

Swallowing Camels

The Martin Chronicles will continue to report more examples of Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin's nonsensical gnat-straining like the car wash,coffee and paper towel crises. Trust us. Those three bits of nitwittery are just the iceberg's tip. The next two years promise to be Martinmageddon.

We are confident that all the tri-cornered hat-wearing, home-schooling, Liberty-Leaguing, "Don't Tread On Me" flag-waving Tea Partiers think its great that Mayor Mighty Mouse is fretting over car washes, coffee and paper towels. But like Shorty, these government-hating fanatics are missing what's commonly referred to as "the big picture".

Despite being a self-professed holy-rolling snake handler, Shorty continually disregards the good advice found in Matthew's Gospel about not straining out gnats and swallowing camels (the animal, not the cigarette). Want an example? Sure you do.

Unimpeachable sources tell us that Martin recently advised the Crescent Springs-Villa Hills Volunteer Fire Department that he was going to request that other area fire departments provide quotes for fire protection. The Tea Partiers, Liberty Leaguers and other tri-cornered hat-wearing, "Don't Tread On Me" flag-waving pinheads will certainly cheer that news. Mostly because those Martinesque fanatics are pinheads.

Why do we say that? Because the best reaction isn't always the knee-jerk one that Martin employs. Just a tad bit of research would have shown The Norwood Sewer Rat that Villa Hills residents currently pay far less for fire protection than the residents of any neighboring City. We are checking to see if Shorty ran this not-so-brilliant idea past incoming council gurus like Jim Cahill and the reanimated Mary Koenig. We hope not.

So what went wrong? Well, we are told that if the Crescent Springs-Villa Hills Volunteer Fire Department is forced to join in the bidding process it will jump from the current bargain-priced $800,000 to a more-in-line-with-the-going-rate $1.2 MILLION.

For those Martin fans who are a little weak on math-and other things-that is a $400,000 increase. To put it another way, a 50% increase in cost. For the mathematicians out there,  
$1.2 MILLION > $800,000. A whole lot >!!!!

That's a mule-choking bunch of coffee, paper towels, toilet paper and car washes.

[EDITOR'S QUESTION: While we are on the subject of total wastes of money, it has now been well over a year since Martin crony-hire, unqualified clerk/bookkeeper Cordelia Schaber claims she resigned. So why are the taxpayers still paying her $47.50 per hour?]

A New Milestone

The Martin Chronicles isn't in the habit of patting itself on the back. Tracking down all the stories in malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin's Villa Hills keeps us way too busy for self-aggrandizement.

But, we had to report that in just moments The Martin Chronicles will be hosting unique visit number 80,000. That ain't bad. Not bad at all.

For those of you who enjoy our plucky little blog, please keep reading. For those of you who thought we might just pack it in, deal with it.

Martin knows we're watching. That's not going to stop. A word to the wise for the six new incoming councilmembers. We'll be watching you too.

Isn't this fun?

Potty Patter

The Martin Chronicles is still trying to verify inert Interim City Clerk Sue Bree's assertion that Villa Hills miscreant Mayor Mike Martin has ordered his embattled employees to bring their own toilet paper to work. Given Martin's bizarre obsession with car washes, coffee and paper towels, Bree's insubordinate blathering may actually be true. With Martin, all things are possible.

Sources speculate that Martin has placed MARY HARDMAN in charge of waste management at the City Building. Finally, an appropriate role.

Or, could this be another Blue Ribbon panel chaired by incoming councilmembers Jim Cahill and the reanimated Mary Koenig? We're sure they would both be flush with excitement if handed this new roll, er, uh, um, role.

One Villa Hillster has come up with a creative way for The Norwood Sewer Rat to have his embittered employees multi-task. What is the suggestion? Have all of the employees use City records in place of toilet paper! A stroke of GENIUS! Employees could get rid of the waste and any inconvenient evidence in one fell swipe.

If only The Little CEO had enacted this proposed potty program a year or so ago. Just think how much different things would be right now.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Many employers post motivatonal messages around their place of business to urge employees to new levels of performance. Here's one for 720 Rogers Road. "If there's trouble in town, flush it down.]

Paper Towel Tantrum

The Martin Chronicles continues to be amazed by accounts of Villa Hills miscreant Mayor Mike Martin's obsession with the meaningless. We've reported on the heartburn Martin has over expenditures on trivial things like car washes and coffee (amounting to less than .0003% of the total City budget). Meanwhile, easy-to-remedy, large, unnecessary expenses don't even appear on Shorty's radar screen.

Insiders tell us that Martin recently threw a fit over the use of too many rolls of paper towels. Yes, rolls of paper towels. Seriously. We aren't making any of this up.

Our sources tell us that Martin is convinced that the Villa Hills Police Department is hoarding rolls of paper towels. First the Detective commits perjury. Then the Chief lies to Shorty. Next that rascally Detective plants evidence to set up the head of the Branch Norwoodians. Later, a rogue police officer hides one of the new police vehicles from The Norwood Sewer Rat. And now this. The entire police department is conspiring against The Little CEO to hide rolls of paper towels. Oh, the humanity!

Perhaps one of the first things Martin should do come January is appoint the reanimated Mary Koenig to head a Blue Ribbon Commission tasked with finding the missing rolls of paper towels. Why, that could save the City, well, uh, er, eh, um, some dollars!

Yep. Sounds about right.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: We have a reporter trying to verify the incompetent Interim City Clerk Sue Bree's story that the malfeasant Martin makes employees bring their own toilet paper to work.]

Java Jolt

The Martin Chronicles knows it really isn't unusual for political hacks and ne'er do wells to miss the forest for the trees. It can happen for many reasons. Personal agendas. Obsessions. Sheer stupidity. Insiders tell us that Hills Villa malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin has taken that inability to "see the forest" to new lows.

On November 2 we reported Martin's angst over $8.00 car washes. We have learned that Martin is now focusing his ire on another vexing problem. What is Shorty upset about now? Well, thanks to some extensive research conducted by MARY HARDMAN, Martin has set off the alarm bells about how much money employees have spent on coffee. Coffee? No way, right? Yes, coffee.

So just how bad is it? Well, its bad. Really bad. Terrible, in fact. MARY HARDMAN has shockingly uncovered the scandalous fact that $356 has been spent on coffee so far this year. To put that in better perspective, that figure averages out to almost $2.25 a day since the new fiscal year began! It's better if you try not to think about the fact that MARY HARDMAN has been paid quite a bit more than that and these are the kinds of things your tax dollars are funding. Moving along.

There is a silver lining to all of this. Crack bean-counter Jim Cahill will be joining council come January 1. In fact, sources tell us that Cahill is already all over "the coffee case". No doubt his insight will help get these kinds of cost overruns under control.

Perhaps they will even do something to address the needless $200,000 in police overtime.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: We are working on more shocking cost-overrun stories to deliver in upcoming posts.]