Conspiracy Theories Abound

The Martin Chronicles has already heard faint rumblings of wingnut conspiracy theories floating around Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin's embattled burg in the aftermath of the recent shooting incident. They are all very, very strange. But then what else would you expect? There are mental cases that believe Mayor Steve Clark was ousted all those years ago "because he wasn't Catholic". You can't make this stuff up.

The "Staged Shooting" Theory: Some hardcore Martinites are actually suggesting that a number of Northern Kentucky police agencies hatched a plot to trump up the shooting incident to generate unwarranted sympathy for the Villa Hills Police Department and derail The Nitwit From Norwood's plans to "save you a whole bunch of money". These Martinites aren't quite sure yet how these police agencies were able to convince the two residents to allow themselves to be shot.

The Hillbilly Anti-Gun Theory: A contingent of aluminum-foil hat-wearing, hillbilly Martinite gun-nuts are already expressing public concern that President Barack Obama will use this "staged shooting" as a pretext to seize all of their firearms. These aluminum-foil hat-wearing hillbilly Martinite gun-nuts have yet to prove the connection between the conspiring Northern Kentucky police agencies and the White House. But that will not deter them. Wait?!?! Is that a drone up there?!?!

The "It Was All About Jim Noll" Theory: Some crackpots suggest that Police Detective Joe Schutzman planned the entire incident just to force former one-term councilmember, failed State Senate candidate and former leading contender to be Shorty's next City Attorney Jim Noll to drive through police barricades to get home. These crackpots suggest that the marijuana and paraphernalia were actually "planted". Where have we heard that before? The crackpots who subscribe to this theory haven't quite figured out a way to explain why police officers described Noll as "disoriented" and how Noll managed to blow twice the legal limit on the breathalyzer. Lots and lots of practice is our guess.

The "It Was All About Jim Noll" Theory Version 2.0: There are a number of mental cases who suspect Martin's high-priced whore Toad McMurtry. Why? McMurtry set Noll up to ensure that the "trusted name, new voice" Noll City Attorney candidacy would be deep-sixed. Look, we know McMurtry is lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut. But we just don't think he's nearly bright enough to pull off such a scheme.

The "Martin Holds Auditions" Theory: What better way to find out which police department to hire after you boot out the Villa Hills Police Department? Bring them all in and see which bunch performs the best. While we think Shorty is a conniving little piss-ant, we know he's not smart enough to pull something off like that.

Our reporters are also hearing even crazier theories involving ancient space aliens, asteroids, concession stands, Hanger 18, Bigfoot, The Lake General Zod Sea Monster and donated civic club equipment that seems to have gone missing.

The Martin Chronicles has a piece of advice for all of the wing-nuts, gun-nuts, crack-pots, rum-pots, hillbillies and EDDIE hatching conspiracy theories in the salons and saloons across Villa Hills. It is a very old-and very true-axiom.

If you hear hoof beats think horses, not zebras.

Advice For New Informants

The Martin Chronicles truly appreciates that so many good people are willing to shine the light on filthy cockroaches like Villa Hills miscreant Mayor Mike Martin, Kenton Kounty Boss Steve Barfinghaus, the vile ancient crocodile Councilman Mary Koenig, HBM-I and so many other ne'er-do-wells and nitwits playing in that cesspool of corruption and incompetence known as Villa Hillls politics. In fact, we like all of you so much that we want to give you some advice to keep you out of trouble and gainfully employed

As an example, absolutely never, ever, ever use a Kenton Kounty e-mail address, fax machine or telephone to send us information about that bilious blowhard Steve Barfinghaus or any of the dim-bulb members of his goon squad. Don't do it. Not now. Not ever. NEVER! No matter how important the information is. Use your own phone, email or fax. It can wait. Its not like Barfinghaus is going to suddenly become a decent human being. Barfinghaus is a skunk of the highest order and will be so forevermore

What advice might new Councilmember Rod Baehner provide? Let's take a wild guess. Rod would advise you to be "patient". Wait until you get to your own computer, phone of fax. And you know what? Unlike Rod's plea for "patience" as The Fidgety Forger happily dismantles the Villa Hills Police Department, patience is a good idea when ratting out the bad guys.

What advice do we think new Councilmember Jim Cahill would give? Well, unlike the way he describes the voluminous problems with the City's mystery-riddled financial statements, Cahill would probably tell you that using your employer's resources to contact us would be "very material".

What advice would new Councilmember Flyin' Brian Wischer post on Facebook? First, he would accuse the wrong person of sending The Martin Chronicles information on company equipment. Then little Mr. Wischer would use a very out-dated term to describe that wrong person. Maybe something like "a tool"?

What advice would inattentive cincinnati.com junior reporter Libby Cunningham offer up? "Sorry, I don't have time for anything substantive right now. I need to send a tweet to, well, er, uh, eh, almost nobody".

What advice would giantess firebug MARY HARDMAN supply? "Just tell them you read a book that said it was perfectly fine to use company phones, computers and faxes for personal use. Oh, and stare menacingly at everyone while you are saying it".

What advice would EDDIE lend? He'd probably tell you to only send us information if we pay you $55 per tip. He'd also tell you to say we didn't pay you anything if someone else asks.

What advice would $47.50 per hour-crony-hire-bucket-headed-clerk/bookkeeper Cordelia Schaber send your way? "Ahhhh dowunt unnerstayand. Whuuut is uh informayant?" Don't worry, you'll still have to pay her $47.50 per hour. Despite the fact that she resigned almost a year-and-a-half ago.

Last but not least, what sage advice would you receive from The Crown Prince Of Incompetence And Corruption, Mike Martin? He'd say that if you're caught you just say, "I didn't know I couldn't misuse the organization's resources THEN, but I know that NOW"! Hey, it has always worked for Shorty.

Just remember. The job you save may be your own. Don't worry, this corrupt circus will eventually pull up stakes and leave town. Shorty's "Golden Moment" is already falling apart.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Our Kenton Kounty Kourt House snitches do report that Villa Hills Police Detective Joe Schutzman and All Hail The Superior were both seen entering the Kounty Kastle at roughly the same time last Friday-but not together! No, Barfinghaus. They didn't use YOUR computer to contact us this time. At least as far as YOU know.]



Face Time

The Martin Chronicles beloved publisher had lunch with a long-time Villa Hills political observer today. This wag said, "Every time you think it can't get any worse, Martin and his cronies sink to new depths. So much for things getting better after the November election."

After talking to our informants at the Kenton County Court House, we think perhaps Mr. Noll should consider the following defense. "I didn't know I couldn't get drunk and stoned and drive through police barricades with drug paraphernalia in my car THEN, but I know it NOW".

The pundit also reminded us of failed State Senate Candidate and leading contender to be Mike Martin's new City Attorney Jim Noll's stated desire to get more "face time" in the early months of his one term on Villa Hills' city council, "Well, he's getting plenty of "face time" now.

Indeed he is.



The Thin Blue Line

The Martin Chronicles is extremely relieved that no police officers were injured in today's early morning shooting incident on Amsterdam Road. Well-trained, dedicated police officers from a number of local agencies used quick thinking and quick action to prevent a very bad situation from getting far worse. Our thoughts and prayers go out to all of the police officers and we thank them for their bravery.

A few observations:

• It is clear that Villa Hills miscreant Mayor Mike Martin's (now-public) efforts to eliminate the City's police force is not deterring its officers from continuing to provide excellent service to their community. That doesn't make it any less terrible that these fine officers have to work under such deplorable conditions.
• How ridiculous does it appear now that Martin would only allow the hiring of the seventh (not eighth-seventh) police officer if that officer was designated as performing "non-hazardous duty" in the State retirement system? "Non-hazardous"? A slim majority of you are getting EXACTLY what you voted for. The rest should be appalled by such simplistic "thinking".
• One could reasonably think that this morning's shooting incident would give pause to the Martinite gun-nuts who think even more guns will make Villa Hills a safer community. But it probably won't.

Thank you to all of the dedicated police professionals who performed so ably today-as they do every day. The Villa Hills Police Department deserves far better.

_________________________________________________________________________________

There is a related event. Former Villa Hills Councilmember, failed State Senate candidate and serious contender to become malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin's next City Attorney Jim Noll was arrested early this morning by the Ft. Mitchell Police, who were also on the scene at the Villa Hills shooting incident.

The charges? According to Kenton County Jail Tracker:

• Reckless Driving
• Possession of Marijuana
• Drug Paraphernalia
• Operating Motor Vehicle Under The Influence of Alcohol/Drugs/ETC

You probably also remember that Mr. Noll was the one who publicly announced that he would not vote to remove the malfeasant Martin last October-no matter the evidence. Mr. Noll also gained some minor notoriety by holding up the last night of the Removal Hearing by nearly an hour because he was "missing in action".

The Martin Chronicles DOES NOT revel in the serious problems now facing Mr. Noll. We do question the judgment of Mr. Noll-and others-however.



 

It's Really A Very Simple Problem

The Martin Chronicles believes that the decision whether or not to disband the Villa Hills Police Department and contract with one of the-at least-five departments malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin surreptitiously contacted quite some time ago-and how does the dreadful cincinnati.com miss that?-is really very simple. The problem? The Nitwit From Norwood is also really very simple.

We've done a lot of checking. School records from Norwood High clearly prove that math is not Shorty's strong suit. Even the casual observer should have easily come to that conclusion when Martin waxed ineloquently about "five-sided octagons" all those dreadful council meetings ago. Even still, let's try an old fashioned "word problem".

Kenton Kounty Boss Steve Barfinghaus' emergency dispatch service sends out a call at 10:45pm on a Saturday night that there is a fill-in-the-current-blank (home invasion, burglary, theft, break-in, hold-up, mugging, drug deal, gun fight, knife fight, cat fight, cock fight, homicide or any of the other current elements of Villa Hills' skyrocketing crime rate) taking place in a home on Brookview Court. Let's use 2630 Brookview Court for this word problem.

For the sake of discussion, let's assume that in both instances the responding police officer is located at their headquarters. Martin is currently leaning towards contracting with the City of Ludlow PD, headquartered at 51 Elm Street, or 5.4 miles away from 2630 Brookview Court.

The Villa Hills PD is located at 719 Rogers Road, actually in Villa Hills-at least for now. The Villa Hills-at least for now- officer would have to travel 1.08 miles to 2630 Brookview Court. Again, let's assume that the responding officer travels at the same safe but urgent rate of speed-35 miles per hour-from either Ludlow or Villa Hills to get to the tumult taking place at 2630 Brookview Court.

Are you still with us? Good. Now, what are the travel times for (1) the Ludlow officer and (2) the-at least for now-Villa Hills officer to get to 2630 Brookview Court? C'mon, you can do it! Remember your basic algebra. Good, let's check your answer.

Ludlow officer's travel time to 2630 Brookview Court: 9 minutes, 15 seconds
Villa Hills-at least for now-officer's travel time to 2630 Brookview Court: 1 minute, 51 seconds.

Okay, you ass clowns from the civic club can sit out the rest of this math quiz. It's way, way, way over your heads.

(a) 9 minutes, 15 seconds < 1 minute, 51 seconds
(b) 9 minutes, 15 seconds > 1 minute, 51 seconds
(c) 9 minutes, 15 seconds = 1 minute, 51 seconds
(d) none of the above

Mark your answer. Okay, which did you choose? If you chose (b), 9 minutes, 15 seconds > 1 minute, 51 seconds, you are CORRECT! The rest of you will get an autographed (we aren't exactly sure who's name Martin signed on the tee-shirt) red-on-white "Mike Martin for Mayor" 2010-vintage tee-shirt courtesy of the 2014 Committee To Reelect The Pinhead (CREEP) as a lovely parting gift. You can wear it proudly. Or do what we did, BURN IT.

Here is where it gets just a little bit tricky. How much faster was the response time of the-at least for now-Villa Hills officer than the Ludlow officer travelling to 2630 Brookview Court?

(a) 2 times faster
(b) 3.5 times faster
(c) 5 times faster
(d) a lot faster

Are you finished? Okay. If you chose (c), 5 times faster, you are CORRECT! Depending on what your definition of "a lot" is, (d) is at least partially correct as well.

For the record, here are the distances from the other police departments the mendacious Martin has approached. Remember, the Villa Hills Police Department is 1.08 miles away from 2630 Brookview Court-at least for the moment.

Ft. Mitchell Police Department - 3.81 miles away from 2630 Brookview Court

Park Hills Police Department - 4.57 miles away from 2630 Brookview Court

Erlanger Police Department - 4.77 miles from 2630 Brookview Court

Kenton County Police Department - 14.34 miles from 2630 Brookview Court

How much money does The Nitwit From Norwood have to "save" you annually in order to justify much slower response times and a lot less safety? We wonder what Shorty's definition of "a lot" is. Would you settle for being less safe for a savings of $10K a year? $25K a year? How about being less safe for $50K a year? $75K? $100K? What is your number?

Look, the ass clowns from the civic club, Tea Party fanatics, EDDIE and the St. Jokers don't care. But do you?

By the way, how much more time does new Councilmember Rod Baehner think Shorty needs? How much "patience" is required as Martin pushes to finally get the revenge he has sought? Is this about safety? Or is it about some amount of money?

How much is your safety worth to you?

 

[EDITOR'S NOTE: One last important number. It's 630 days until Mayor Moron stands for re-election. We need one decent candidate (READ: NOT the way-too-"patient" Rod Baehner) to stand up and challenge him knowing full well that Martin, his loud-mouthed wife Janet and the rest of the hillbilly lynchmob will LIBEL, SLANDER and DEFAME that challenger. It's all about 11-4-14.]

It's The SAFETY, Stupid!

The Martin Chronicles has known that Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin is a dangerous and dim-bulbed fanatic for some time. Unfortunately for the troubled town, either a razor-thin majority of its' voters are also dangerous and dim-bulbed fanatics or just a complacent mass of gullible sheeple. Why? Because that razor-thin majority elected one of its most dangerously stupid residents to govern them.

The most recent-and most serious-example of The Nitwit From Norwood's colossal incompetence is his ridiculous rationale found in the way-more-than-two-years-too-late article in the mediocre cincinnati.com. Shorty believes the decision to disband the Villa Hills Police Department and contract with another City for "protection" will be based on "saving money".

We know the "Don't Tread One Me" flag-waving Tea Party pinheads, Liberty Leaguers and home-schoolers go ga-ga over such reckless rhetoric. That is precisely why everybody with functioning frontal lobes should be concerned.

If you've been paying any attention at all you know that Villa Hills is experiencing an unprecedented crime wave. Burglaries. Break-ins. Home invasions. Thefts. Drugs. The situation continues to worsen. While he's far too megalomaniacal to admit it, Shorty's vengeful decimation of the town's police department is THE major factor for the sky-rocketing wave of crime.

Does anyone-other than the civic club ass clowns-really believe that a police department based further away from Villa Hills will provide better police protection than an even  short-handed one that is patrolling the City streets 24/7? If Crescent Springs' Mayor Jim Collett could find it in himself to be truthful, he would admit that the Erlanger "experiment" has not gone well at all. So why should Villa Hills make the same mistake? This is far more about SAFETY than about SAVING MONEY.

Yes, we know. Martin doesn't really care about saving any money. Shorty really only wants to finally get his revenge against Chief Dan Goodenough and Detective Joe Schutzman for his 2007 forgery arrest. (No, it wasn't a conspiracy despite the lies that Martin and his cronies continue to tell to this day. We're going to show you the checks he forged in upcoming posts.) It's just too bad that the thumb-suckers at cincinnati.com don't have the virtue to say it as well. Instead they continue to confuse their production of pointless pap with objectivity.

A special note to new Councilmember Rod Baehner. Patience? Really? Martin has been looking for someone other than the Villa Hills Police Department to provide police protection for his embattled burg since before the 2010 election. He and former Councildunce Mike Pope had serious talks with Erlanger at that time-all the while vehemently denying it.

We were just starting to repect you a little bit Rod. But your fence-riding is just murder to watch and to read on Facebook. The Martin Chronicles' RULE NUMBER ONE: "You are either IN, or you are OUT".

Rod, we're gonna help you out. We are in the process of obtaining the letter Martin sent to Park Hills, Erlanger, Ludlow, Ft. Mitchell and Kenton County. Read it and then get back to us and let us know if you still think all Martin needs is a little more time to gather information.

So what will be left for safety-once Martin's alleged main concern? Do you really want to go the way of All Hail The Superior and his goofy gun goons? Should every attempted crime end in a civilian shoot-out?

The sheeple are getting EXACTLY what they voted for. And chuckleheads like EDDIE continue to enable The High Priest Of The Branch Norwoodians. The problem is the rest of the residents have to suffer along with these geeks for another 631 days until they learn whether there is any hope at all for Villa Hills.



BREAKING NEWS: Police Department In Peril

The Martin Chronicles has to admit what our regular readers already know. Our perky little blog has been telling you since our launch on October 8, 2011 that Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin has been planning to destroy the Villa Hills Police Department. We do want to give a bit of a Bronx Cheer to the lame-stream media-types at Gannett for finally investigating the story seventeen months later.

Cincinnati.com has posted a story misleadingly entitled, "Villa Hills may look for police department bids". May look? Really? MAY look? C'mon, Man!!! The correct headline would be, "Martin has been secretly looking for police department bids for more than a year". This is why we are confident that the doofus headline-writer for cincinnati.com is an absolute shoe-in for the First Annual Shorty Award for "Lamest member of the lame-stream media". And the competition for that award is fierce.

The Nitwit From Norwood-brace yourself-even lies in cincinnati.com's innocuous little blurb. What does "All Hail The Superior" say? "As I told everyone from the beginning, I've had four different departments approach me and offer to give us bids for services". That is a lie layered upon a bigger lie.

Our publisher would not be pleased with cincinnati.com's junior reporter's efforts. Why? Well, how about asking The Dissembling Dipstick-as follow-up-when he told anyone about these bids?" Insiders tell us that Martin has even been reassuring the ass clowns from the civic club as recently as last week that "anybody who sez I'm thinkin' about doin' that there thang (disbanding the police department) is lyin' to you all". Okay Mayor Moron, exactly who is THE LIAR? Never mind. The answer is obvious.

Besides, these departments DID NOT approach The Fidgety Forger. Martin has approached them-and others. How do we know this? Our informants in Kounty Boss Steve Barfinghaus' Kourt House and The City of Ft. Mitchell have been telling us so for many months. It would not be unreasonable to assume that cincinnati.com's junior reporter would gain some sense that Martin is well, how to say it?, uh, er A DAMNED LIAR. She has covered Shorty for some time now. But no. She appears to be too anxious to flit off to send a tweet or post something on Facebook-both of which having virtually no readership-than to do just a little digging for THE TRUTH.

Do we really have to explain why Martin has pushed so hard for this? The Swiveling Snake Oil Salesman has been seeking revenge against Police Chief Dan Goodenough, Detective Joe Schutzman and the entire police department ever since he had an arrest warrant issued for him for forgery. He sued the chief and detective AND the taxpayers (despite the fact that he happily lied to the taxpayers, telling them he wasn't suing them) for $1.505 MILLION.

Shorty decided to take a different approach after that potential taxpayer-funded CASH EXPLOSION was tossed out of two courts. What next? Get the chief and detective BY DESTROYING THE ENTIRE POLICE DEPARTMENT. And The Little Liar is well on his way to doing exactly that.

All of the civic club ass clowns, hillbillies, Tea Party fanatics, St. Joe's Heavy Drinking Men Society members, gun nuts, EDDIE and all the other moronic Martinites ARE GETTING EXACTLY WHAT THEY VOTED FOR. The rest of us are going to have to wait another 634 days to see if there is any hope at all to fix this terrible mess Martin continues to create. There is a lot of work to do. It is now ALL about 11-4-14.