The Macabre Mayor

The Martin Chronicles is reminded of the old story about the four men in trench coats intently staring in to Uncle Fredo's open casket at poor Fredo's visitation. No, the four men weren't there to pay their respects. They were there to confirm that Uncle Fredo was really dead and gone.

While we aren't sure whether Villa Hills' moribund Mayor Mike Martin was wearing a trench coat, we have heard that he also recently paid an unusual and unwelcome visit to a wake. Sources tell us that many people were highly offended by the Charlatan CEO's mere presence. Why? In order to understand that we'll need to give you some background.

In short, we have told you how Martin callously cobbled together a corn pone coalition by telling LIE after LIE after LIE after LIE after LIE to narrowly win his 2010 mayoral run. Surprisingly, Martin actually kept one or two of the promises he made. This story involves one of them.

The Fidgety Forger promised some mean-spirited neighborhood busy-bodies-you know the type, total jerks just like The Dissembling Dipstick-that he would punish their senior-citizen neighbors if they helped him get elected. For what? Well, the offending octogenarian couple had too many pets for those nasty neighbors' liking. That was simply unacceptable to those holier-than-thou phonies.

So what did Martin end up doing? It was roughly the equivalent of unclogging a toilet with several sticks of dynamite. Come to think of it, given the "shoddy at best" reputation of Martin's unlicensed handyman "business", Shorty has probably done that on at least one occasion. Probably not on Sister-In-Law Sharon's toilet though. Right, Eddie?

Martin worked with the Kenton Kounty "braintrust" of the bilious blowhard Kounty Boss Steve Barfinghaus and Scarry Garry Edmonson to unleash the full force and fury of Kenton Kounty's Krack Homeland Security Team on the doddering old couple. Pets were slaughtered in the front yard. Senior citizens slapped with harsh fines. Best of all? These poor old people's vicious neighbors jumped for joy.

The health of the golden-aged couple began to decline soon after "All Hail The Superior" callously orchestrated their very public embarrassment. Some family members are convinced that the decline may have been accelerated by the needlessly harsh treatment these octogenarians received from The Nitwit From Norwood and his Krass Kenton Kounty pals. So be it.

One of Shorty's pet-owning targets recently passed away. As we already wrote, the macabre mayor decided to add one final insult to the fatal injury he helped inflict by crashing the visitation. Some witnesses say they saw Shorty standing over the open casket muttering to the deceased, "I'm the CEO. It's my decision. We're moving on. Get over it."

[EDITOR'S NOTE: NEXT UP, a rundown on some BIG stories we are following.]

A Secret Meeting By Any Other Name

The Martin Chronicles finds itself in some rarefied air at the moment. Probably for the only time ever in history that it will happen, we generally agree with former Councilprovocateur Mike Pope. You see, Pope once described an untelevised caucus meeting as "SECRET". After watching Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin run roughshod over the law these past twenty-five months we stick to our guns calling last night's and every other well-kept secret caucus meeting exactly that, SECRET.

Whine all you want. Here is our position. If you haven't done everything you can to keep taxpayer business in front of the taxpayers-you have done nothing.

One of the bogus themes of Martin's dirtbag 2010 mayoral campaign was transparency. If the Open Records and Open Meetings problems of the past twenty-five months fit Shorty's definition of "transparency", we sure aren't going to hire his shoddy-at-best handyman company to clean any windows in The Martin Chronicles' palatial offices.

We also hear that The Nitwit From Norwood believes that at some point "people have an obligation to come to the meetings if they want to know what's going on". Good grief. Given the skyrocketing crime wave The Dissembling Dipstick's decimation of the Villa Hills police department has caused, NO WONDER NO SANE RESIDENT WANTS TO LEAVE THEIR HOME UNATTENDED JUST SO THEY CAN GO TO ONE OF HIS MEETINGS.

A SECRET MEETING by any other name would smell as corrupt.

TOAD JUMPS AHEAD

The Martin Chronicles is not writing about the notorious Dan'l from Mark Twain's story set in Calaveras County. Yes, this Toad is also notorious. But for a different set of reasons. We are writing about Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin's high-priced whore Toad McMurtry.

Sources tell us that this slimy Toad has hopped to the top of Shorty's list of prospects to replace the very-soon-to-be-jettisoned City Attorney Mike Duncan. We have to admit we are disappointed. Not because we don't relish the opportunities that will surely allow us to reveal McMurtry to be the braying jackass that he is.

No, its because we were so hoping The Nitwit From Norwood would pick former one-term council member and failed State Senate candidate Jim Noll. If Noll doesn't land the $70,000 a year Villa Hills gig we will have to conclude that he was a "cheap date" after all. Let's face it. Noll guaranteed to vote "NO" to The Fidgety Forger's removal-no matter the evidence-just for the price of Martin's loudmouthed wife Janet's help on his failed State Senate campaign? Really? Talk about your bargain-basement bribe.

Not to fear. The high-priced whore Toad McMurtry will provide endless hours of mindless entertainment. This doofus has already generated a large amount of animosity by calling Police Chief Dan Goodenough "unethical" and a "liar". McMurtry even scolded Goodenough for not telling Mayor Moron that he was not allowed to break the law. McMurty also accused Detective Schutzman of "planting evidence" and called the detective "a baboon". We wonder what McMurtry's pals at Covington Latin think about such un-Christian name-calling?
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Call the meetings whatever you want . Untelevised. Private. Secret.  Martin can hold them on the dark side of the moon as far as wer're concerned. Because wherever the malevolent Martin is wreaking havoc, we'll be there.

Dial 'M' For Moron

The Martin Chronicles is just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round. We really love to watch 'em roll. We listen to those hand-wringers and bed-wetters who still hold out hope that six new faces around a council table can fix what is terribly wrong in malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin's Villa Hills. Our advice to those who still hold out that hope, "Rotsa ruck".

Because, you see, no matter how many

• new council people
• new city attorneys
• new police departments
• new city clerks
• new Facebook and Twitter posts
• new false promises to repeal THE UNFAIR $40 PER CAR STICKER TAX
• new lawsuits
• new non-material mistake-filled financial reports
• new "erased" hard drives that were really never erased
• new name-drops of mysterious Planning Commission president Paul de Paul
• new open records and records retention training sessions
• new libelous allegations
• new "wreck" committee meetings
• new mythical $30K discoveries
• new 'attaboys' from bilious blowhard County Boss Steve Barfinghaus
• new secret meetings
• new recruits for Martin's hillbilly lynch mob
• new City records to torch
• new caucus meetings
• new binge-drinking newly elected officials training sessions
• new computer companies
• new five-sided octagons
• new budgets
• new media outlets to bash
• new homemade signs later converted to outhouses
• new members of "Dead Pecker's Row"
• new uncrushed-by-a-backhoe safes
• new Handyman Manifestos
• new city parades and skirt games
• new claims of civic club equipment being "donated" to the city
• new crony hires
• new threats of gun violence spouted from the council chamber podium
• new fifty-year road plans that can change minute-to-minute
• new rounds of mud-jacking
• new "F" him, "F" her, "F" them sessions with the ass clowns at the civic club
• new reassurances that you ARE getting what you voted for
• new excuses for missing cash
• new excuses for missing reprimands
• new excuses for total, complete, abject failure
• new psychological disorders
• new scapegoats to blame

One thing remains the same. That is the root cause of the embarrassing problems in Villa Hills City government. Who is that? That is the corrupt and incompetent Nitwit From Norwood himself, Mike Martin.

And of course, Martin has more than his share of enablers. You know who they are.

• the Civic Club ass clowns
• the Tea Party pinheads
• the St. Joke's Heavy-Drinking Men's Society
• the burgeoning hillbilly voting bloc
• the gun-toters
• the pot-smokers
• the tax-dodgers
• the homemade sign-makers
• the howl-at-the-moon lunatics
• County Boss Steve Barfinghaus
• high-priced whore Toad McMurtry
• former Councilgeek Mike Pope
• failed State Senate Candidate Jim Noll, and last but certainly not least
• Eddie
  

We will have to wait 636 days to see if what is left of the sane voters will be enough to unclog the overflowing toilet that is the Martin Misadministration.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: A number of people have been inquiring about the true identity of General Zod. Seriously? Isn't it obvious? Haven't you been reading the posts?]

The Vapor Paper Trail

The Martin Chronicles hopes that a goodly number of the vapid voters-like Eddie-who inexplicably believed that the election of a real mixed bag of six new council people would somehow end the criminal enterprise that is Villa Hills' malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin's City government will come out of their stupor between now and November 4, 2014. Why? Because our reportage is revealing that it sure ain't getting any better. In fact, it seems to be getting worse.

We told you yesterday that The Half-Pint Hypocrite announced his plan to sue residents who he claims aren't paying what he has decided is their "fair share" of THE UNFAIR $40 PER CAR STICKER TAX. This despite the demonstrable fact that serious questions are unanswered about Martin's dodging all manner of taxes, license fees and permit fees since he launched his handyman business in 2004.

Not surprisingly, a serious glitch has surfaced. Evidently a number of people paid THE UNFAIR $40 PER CAR STICKER TAX in cash at the City Building. So what, you say? Well, we are learning that a number of those cash payments were never recorded. Why is that important? Well, because if you paid your fee in cash and if the payment was never recorded-YOU TOO WILL BE SUED! Can you say FUBAR?

You just know The Norwood Nitwit will blame somebody else for the disappearing cash. Perhaps the bucket-headed, crony-hire clerk/bookkeeper Cordelia Schaber forgot that "aught times aught is aught". Or maybe giantess MARY HARDMAN torched the money because of something she read in the "City Clerk for Dummies" book. Heck, maybe it vanished along with the Civic Club equipment General Zod donated to the City.

Who knows? The only thing we do know is that The Stammering Swiveler will have a scapegoat.Yes, he'll know you know that he's lying. But he won't care. We sure hope Councilman Jim Cahill doesn't announce that the missing money isn't "material". Our advice? All six council people should be hugging the bottom of their foxholes.

While we are on the subject of items that have gone missing. You remember the reprimand The Fidgety Forger dropped on inert Interim City Clerk Sue Bree hours before his removal hearing. We told you its missing, right?

Sources tell us that questions are being raised about a cover-up. The questioners say that Martin accused Bree of breaking Federal law, State and County statutes and City ordinances in the now-missing reprimand. If so, why wasn't any investigation done into the allegations of Bree's lawbreaking? What is Martin hiding now?

No wonder Shorty is so desperate to get rid of the local police department. No wonder Martin's high-priced whore Toad McMurtry established false guidelines, describing a police department that investigates its mayor as "unethical". No wonder Bree can continue to sit at her desk all day playing games on her computer on the taxpayers' dime.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The February Secret Caucus meeting is scheduled for this week. We'll be delivering hard-hitting reporting.]
[PUBLISHER'S NOTE: WE JUST HIT 92,000 PAGE VIEWS AT 1:43PM!!!]

Half-Pint Hypocrite

The Martin Chronicles beloved publisher threw an unbelievable Super Bowl Party for the entire staff yesterday. An endless spread of food including Maryland crab cakes, seafood flown in fresh from Fisherman's Wharf and of course, Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco treat! Our publisher also had a 105-inch high def flat-screen television installed in his posh media room just for the shindig. Incredible.

Party-goers included several bright opinion leaders who reside in Villa Hills' malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin's horrible hamlet who spent just a little time talking about their town's troubles. The main topic? The Norwood Knothead's decree that he was going to sue any resident who has not paid THE UNFAIR $40 PER CAR STICKER TAX.

The general-and obvious-consensus was that Shorty is a colossal hypocrite. There were two over-arching themes that served as reasons why.

First, THE FACT that The Swiveling Snake Oil Salesman told  many a resident that he planned to REPEAL THE UNFAIR $40 PER CAR STICKER TAX if elected while talking to them on their front porches or in their garages during his libelous, dirtbag 2010 mayoral campaign IS WELL-DOCUMENTED. Now, he is going to SUE YOU.

Second, how in good conscience can The Little Libeler sue anybody for not paying a tax when several "issues" were revealed during last year's Special Counsel investigation (look, we know. Shorty doesn't have a conscience, good or bad. But stay with us):

• Martin did not purchase an occupational license for his handyman business (a form of tax) for many of the years he was in business since 2004.
• Despite business filings claiming Mike Martin Electric/Quality Home Services is headquartered at 10 1/2 Anna Street in Reading, Ohio, the City of Reading claims to be unaware of The Fidgety Forger's existence and hence, has collected no business tax from him.
• The Special Counsel investigation revealed that a huge majority of Mr. Shoddy-At-Best's clientele never took the trouble to purchase a building permit-despite being legally obligated to do so. Permit fees are a form of tax. Investigators suspect that Shorty counseled his customers not to purchase the permits. Why? Because follow-up inspections of Shorty's electrical and plumbing work would have revealed he is unlicensed to perform such work.
• We are on the trail of several more examples.

The Little CEO's pending LAWSUITS AGAINST YOU are just another example of his corruption and incompetence. If you haven't come to the realization by now that Shorty believes the rules apply to everyone but him and his cronies, you probably never will. The rest of us have to wait another 638 days to see if there is any way to fix Martin's mess.

[PUBLISHER'S NOTE: We cannot find any solid evidence that the unlicensed Mike Martin Electric was in charge of the out-for thirty-four-minutes Superdome lights yesterday. But the prospect of it being true is still hilarious!]

Disorderly Conduct

The Martin Chronicles is simultaneously amused and disgusted by Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin's uncanny ability to incessantly blame everyone else for his legendary list of acts of misconduct, neglect of duty, petty crime and soaring incompetence. We have also grown accustomed to and yet sickened by Shorty's persistent insistence that he has been nothing more than an innocent victim of an endless line of conspiracies and plots designed to derail his mythical good-government zealotry.

You know who The Norwood Nitwit's scapegoats have been. Here is an extensive, but still only partial, list:

• Martin's father
• Martin's dysfunctional family
• the bank teller
• the health insurance company
• the previous mayor
• the locked safe
• the multiple computer companies Shorty has used your money to hire
• the police chief
• the city administrator
• Hamilton County Health & Human Services Dept.
• the police detective
• the commonwealth attorney
• the circuit court
• the appelate court
• the public works director
• the city attorney
• the city engineer
• the city clerk
• the interim city clerk
• the assistant city clerk
• whatever-the-heck job firebug giantess MARY HARDMAN does
• bucketheaded bookkeeper Cordelia Schaber
• the woman who owned the private property Martin improperly expended tax money to clean
• the previous city council who just wouldn't work with him
• Phil Taliaferro
• the president of the Villa Hills Civic Club
• WCPO News
• Local 12 News
• 55 WKRC
• The Kentucky Enquirer
• The Community Recorder
• Facebook
• the Voice of Villa Hills
• the Kentucky League of Cities
• The Lexington Embassy Suites

Look, we know some of you think Martin is just misunderstood. But do you really believe Martin when he constantly tells you he is never to blame for anything? Aren't you the least bit amazed that Martin has offered up far more than one scapegoat for every dismal month of his Reign of Error? If you truly believe him, consider why so many people and organizations would be persecuting Martin? It just doesn't make sense.

This behavior isn't normal. Our publisher consulted a well-known Northern Kentucky psychiatrist to get a better understanding of someone who exhibits the bizarre excuse-making of Mike Martin. Below is what our publisher was told by the psychiatrist.

Generally speaking, I believe schizoaffective personality disorder as well as other schizoid disorders can cause these behaviors.The symptoms of blaming others and such,stem from paranoia,which is an underlying symptom of these disorders and illnesses.

The Martinites should look on the bright side. They now have another scapegoat. Martin's schizoaffective personality disorder. For the rest of us, we only have to wait 641 more days for the opportunity to provide Shorty with more time to seek help.

Martin's "Golden Moment": Month 2 Begins

The Martin Chronicles enjoys listening to smart people try to explain what they think makes Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin tick. These bright people simply can't accept the fact that Shorty is nothing more than a toxic mixture of uneducated incompetence and hillbilly corruption. They (at least want to) believe that there has to be another explanation for the mess that has taken place over the past twenty-five months. Why? Because some of them helped create it.

One reader has decided that The Nitwit From Norwood is more than just your garden-variety moron. They believe that Shorty is a sociopath cut from the same cloth as Norman Bates of Alfred Hitchcock Psycho fame. They attempted to explain the similarities and differences in a recent e-mail.

• Psycho's Norman Bates actually assumed the personality of his deceased mother. Psycho Mike Martin simply kept cashing her checks.
• Both Psycho's Norman Bates and Psycho Mike Martin have an odd, hard-to-sort-out relationship with someone named Janet.
• Psycho's Norman Bates killed his victim in a shower. Villa Hills killed itself by electing its own Norman Bates (Mike Martin) in a voting booth.
• Psycho's Norman Bates tried to hide his crimes by closing his victim's body in a car trunk and then sinking the car in a swamp. Psycho Mike Martin started his crime spree by opening a safe with a backhoe as the City's reputation began to sink into a cesspool.
• Psycho's Norman Bates revived the career of actor Anthony Perkins. Psycho Mike Martin revived the careers of numerous Northern Kentucky civil and criminal defense attorneys.
• Psycho's Norman Bates murdered a private detective. Psycho Mike Martin is attempting to kill the careers of everyone employed by an entire police department.
• Psycho's Norman Bates' actions were adroitly directed by the acclaimed director Alfred Hitchcock. Villa Hills' Norman Bates' actions are being feebly directed by the abhorrent, detested Steve Barfinghaus.
• In an absolutely amazing coincidence, if you add up the IQs of all of Psycho's Norman Bates' friends it will be the exact equivalent of the sum of the IQs of all of Psycho Mike Martin's Civic Club friends. Oh, that's right. Psycho's Norman Bates had no friends. Not that much of a coincidence after all.
• Psycho's Norman Bates blamed his mother for all of the crimes he committed. Psycho Mike Martin isn't the least bit picky about who he blames for the misconduct and neglect of duty he continues to commit. You just know he will blame somebody.

You know, there may just be something to this after all.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Several sources are saying that the malevolent Martin has made it abundantly clear by certain actions he has taken that he DOES NOT think that someone who is REQUIRED to wear body armor and carry a gun while performing their work duties should consider their duty hazardous. Does Eddie still think Martin isn't carrying out a vendetta? It's pretty obvious to most that Martin will never get over his forgery arrest. The problem is that a slim majority of voters put Shorty in the position to gain his revenge. Those pinheads are getting exactly what they voted for.]