First-as media titan Paul Harvey used to famously say-a "strange". Our sources at Crescent Springs Staples report that now-outgoing, malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin was seen copying boxes of multi-page material today.
One of our reporters answered the phone and was immediately knocked back on her heels with the odd question, "Martin knows the election was yesterday, right?"
"Yes, I'm sure he does. It was a very bad day for him" our reporter responded.
"Well, then why in the world is he copying what looks like campaign literature?" Our reporter assured the caller that The Martin Chronicles would be looking in to it.
As soon as our reporter hung up her phone she stood up and announced what she had just been told. Everyone immediately began to offer theories on what the deposed dictator was doing.
"Maybe Martin really doesn't know he was completely crushed in yesterday's election 84%-16%?"
"Maybe Martin plans to pass out a handout that will the rhetorical equivalent of the final scene in the original Planet of the Apes movie? You know, Martin will be like Charlton Heston's character "Taylor", writhing on the ground, looking at the wreckage of his regime and saying about the voters of Villa Hills, "Damn them. Damn them all to hell".
"Maybe Martin plans to pass out all of the libelous material he originally planned to use during the campaign? We all think Martin held off from doing that mostly because The Martin Chronicles called the little fella out on it. He might just be thinking, "Screw 'em. I got my tail waxed so why not stick it to 'em?" What better way to get the incoming administration off to a bad start?
A consensus soon began to form around one theory:
- Martin plans to distribute a handout first thanking the people for giving him the chance to "serve" them. Martin will also thank the 16% of the voters who (weren't idiots and) understood his true intentions and cast a vote to continue to "move the city forward".
- Martin will go on to say that he willingly sacrificed his political future to accomplish the many "great things" he did for the residents that the resident don't yet fully understand-but someday will.
- Martin will say that he "fought the good fight against all of the dark forces" who continually tried to block his righteous path-but he "moved forward" anyway because only he knew what was truly best for the residents.
- Martin will remind the residents just how much he and his family "love" Villa Hills and that he was willing to "pay any price" to help them even though they may not have realized why he did what he did these past four (dreadful and embarrassing) years. (read: the voters were just too stupid).
- In other words, Martin has no intention to accept the voters' decision and just go away.
Second-the tyrants continue to be toppled. We have just learned that the Park Hills recount is over. Mayor Don Catchen is now also on his way out the mayor's office door. Catchen was Martin's "mentor". Catchen has been defeated by a write-in candidate 530 votes to 430 votes. While Catchen's far-fetched defeat is certainly a stinging rebuke, it still doesn't match the 84%-16% butt-kicking Martin endured yesterday.
You remember Catchen, right? Catchen was the one who recently, proudly announced that he and his pal Martin "were the only ones to have the balls to do what needs to be done". What was that "ballsy" move both Catchen and Martin made? It was to jack around with the local police department so recklessly that they both provoked a bushel basket-full of costly- to-the-taxpayers lawsuits.
Finally tonight, The Martin Chronicles wants to humbly thank the nearly 4,700 readers who visited out blog over the past 72 hours or so. We want to assure our readers that we aren't going anywhere. Why? Because the mayhem is far from over.
We will continue to watch and report.
