2013 Predictions

The Martin Chronicles has our Top 15 Predictions as we head in to 2013. No, we don't claim to be psychic. We simply understand that past is prologue. Don't worry. We'll keep track of our score.

1. That loud, clunking sound you will be hearing for much of the year will be caused by the butting of the heads of malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin and Councilman Mary Koenig.
2. Villa Hills' crime rate will continue to skyrocket. No, we aren't just talking about the crime that occurs daily at 720 Rogers Road.
3. The new council will quickly vote to disband the Civil Service Commission. They will also likely waste large amounts of taxpayer money on legal fees attempting to strip current employees of legal protections afforded by Kentucky statute.
4. Councilman Koenig will introduce her proposed ordinance to prohibit council from investigating the mayor. Despite the fact that such an ordinance is in direct contravention of KRS 83A, the new council will buckle under to the demands of Martin's hillbilly lynchmob and other various and sundry pinheads, gun-slingers and mouth-breathers and pass the ordinance.
5. The new council will vote to pay Shorty's legal fees owed to that doofus Toad McMurtry.
6. Little or no road repair work will be done for the third straight year. This will serve as the primary rationale for Councilman Koenig's proposed new road tax. At some point she will equate the higher taxes to the cost of "one large pizza and a pitcher of beer a month". She will fail to mention that it is the taxpayers' "one large pizza and pitcher of beer a month".
7. Mediocre Mayor Martin will falsely claim to "find" more money.
8. Mediocre Mayor Martin will trigger more lawsuits in 2013.
9. Our snitches from that cesspool called the civic club will frequently report that the drunks at the bar comment about the miscreant Martin that "that little feller is doin' a dag-blamed good job now that there is a council that will work with him". Then they will all pick their noses and say, "Yup".
10. The bilious blowhard County Boss Steve Arlinghaus will convince the malaprop Martin and the new council to turn over most City services to the Kenton Kounty storm troopers. Despite this, the City's 2013 property tax will be raised by the maximum amount allowed by Kentucky statute at the urging of all-around-good-guy Councilman Jim Cahill.
11. Despite falsely claiming to have resigned in November of 2011, bucket-headed-crony-hire-clerk/bookkeeper Cordelia Schaber will continue to receive taxpayer-funded checks to the tune of $47.50 per hour throughout 2013.
12. The insubordinate Interim City Clerk Sue Bree will remain in her inert state throughout 2013.
13. There will be discussion about raising the insurance premium tax so that "it is in line with the rate most other Northern Kentucky Cities are collecting".  
14. Councilman Koenig and others will propose raising the City's payroll tax. At some point, Martin will proclaim that "the beauty of this tax is that it isn't paid by the residents". Well, at least it isn't paid by Shorty. Along with license and permit fees for his unlicensed electrical and plumbing work.
15. Councilman Rod Baehner (rhymes with Koenig) will frequently wax ineloquently about vague concepts like "moving the City forward", "being fair" and "putting the past behind us". Hey Rod, where else would the past be but behind us? Just sayin'.

Again, Happy New Year everybody. We can't wait.

Take THAT You . . . Uh-Oh!

The Martin Chronicles is sure you remember the famous-and ill-fated-promise of 1928 Presidential Candidate Herbert Hoover. Sure you do. Hoover promised his election would guarantee "a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage". The actual result? The United States joined the rest of the world in a plunge into The Great Depression in less than a year.

Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin made a similar pinheaded pronouncement in these waning days of 2012. What did Shorty say? That he has the real solution to Villa Hills skyrocketing crime problem. C'mon. You know what his vacuous idea is. You've read the odd pronouncements from the social networking hillbillies who support the mediocre mayor after all.

That's right. Martin told the gathering that a fully-staffed police department won't help stem the rise in home invasions and car break-ins. His suggestion is "a gun in every home". Yup. That'll git 'er dun. He he he he he.

Great idea, huh? That is until some blind-drunk slob waddles home from a night of binge drinking at the civic club and has his skittish wife bust a cap in his fat rump because he fumbled around too long with the front-door key. Or a shaky septuagenarian blows away the poor pizza delivery guy. Or your camo-wearing, liquored-up, hillbilly neighbor pumps two barrels of buckshot into his wife because she over-cooked his deer steak on the grill. You think things are bad now?

If you think this is an indication of how bizarre 2013 is shaping up in Villa Hills, you're exactly right. We are already on the trail of several new stories, all of which are going to cost the taxpayers even more money.

Happy New Year everybody! It appears Martin plans to continue to give the vapid voters of Villa Hills exactly what they voted for. Perhaps this time - right between the eyes!



Strange Bedfellows

The Martin Chronicles is relishing the prospect of reporting on one of the oddest alliances to be struck in the long rich history of corruption and cronyism that is Kentucky politics.We refer of course to the bed being shared by the bilious blowhard County Boss Steve Arlinghaus and the reanimated Villa Hills Councilman Mary Koenig.

We have to go back to the end of the last millennium in order to fully appreciate the richness of the unholy pairing of Arlinghaus and Councilman Koenig. Arlinghaus was an old-fashioned Kentucky Democrat back in those days. He also had the unenviable position of standing between Fraulein Koenig and her dreams of glory for her son mAdam. How? Arlinghaus and mAdam Koenig were competing for the same seat on the Kenton County Fiscal Court.

Mary Koenig's remorseless emasculation of Arlinghaus has become the stuff of political legend. Koenig and a flock of Rhine maidens she recruited went door-to-door telling everyone who would listen all the ugly details of Arlinghaus' then-recent, messy divorce. And there were ugly details galore.

Yes, we know. All voters like to believe they don't respond to mud-slinging and bogus attacks. But they do. Every single time. Koenig did know that then. And she knows it better than ever now. Young mAdam rolled to victory over Arlinghaus. It was mAdam's first step in what has proven to be a long, unremarkable political career devoid of accomplishment. It all started with his mother's vicious airing of baskets-full of Steve Arlinghaus' personal dirty laundry.

Flash forward roughly fifteen years. My how things have changed. Arlinghaus is now the Tea-Party-pinhead-endorsed, rock-ribbed Republican Kenton County Boss, squandering taxpayer money on granite counter-tops and pushing for so many taxes that even the Sheriff of Nottingham would blush.. Koenig has returned to Villa Hills Council, using public money and employees to finally fix the "Harry Rigney Park problem" behind her house on East Laguna and already "approving" improper expenditures.

Best of all? The two will spend the next two years spooning tightly together between the political sheets to turn over control of Villa Hills to Kenton County.

The vacuous voters of Villa Hills will be getting EXACTLY what they voted for yet again.

Mayan Musings

The Martin Chronicles has been told that Villa Hills miscreant Mayor Mike Martin informed his miserable employees that the City's Christmas Party will commence right after the world ends. Given the shoddy-at-best condition of that crummy town's City government, most employees are rooting for Armageddon. But no party.

By the way, what crazy calendar is crony-hire-$47.50-per-hour-bucket-headed-clerk/bookkeeper Cordelia Schaber using? She claims she resigned her City position in November 2011. If that is true, WHY ARE THE OVER-TAXEDPAYERS STILL GIVING HER A PAYCHECK????

The Martin Chronicles suggests that the most important timepiece is now the 2014 election countdown clock. The malevolent Martin stands for re-election in a mere 683 days. We sure hope at least one brave-and credible-soul decides to run against the malfeasant Martin.

It won't be an easy assignment. Villa Hills is now bursting at the seams with hillbillies, ridge-runners, hayseeds and rubes. You know. Martin's core constituency.

More daunting yet, any future Martin opponent must be aware that they will be the target of a vicious campaign of LIBEL, SLANDER and DEFAMATION launched by Shorty, his loud-mouthed wife Janet and the vine-swinging mouth-breathers from that over-flowing cesspool laughingly referred to as a civic club.

Still, we hope somebody-besides us-does something.

The clock is operating.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: We can't wait to report to you who we saw tossing back beers at KJ's the other night. Until then, Merry Christmas!]

Yes, Virginia. Martin Is A LAWBREAKER!

The Martin Chronicles is confident that Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin has all kinds of wacky and crooked things planned for the pinheaded residents of his crummy little city in 2013. We just can't wait. For all of you yahoos who believed that surrounding Shorty with an entirely new council was the solution to Martin's mayhem-

GOOD FRIGGIN' LUCK!!!!!

 



Random Observations

The Martin Chronicles is ramping up for a Merry Christmas. We are filled with a sense of peace and goodwill towards (most) men and women. But that doesn't mean we will stop doing our job.
 
First, a sincere THANK YOU to outgoing council members George Bruns, Greg Kilburn, Scott Ringo and Tim Sogar. All four of you have been tremendous public servants who made a positive difference in your community. The four of you join a long line of people who were "fouled up" simply by coming in contact with Villa Hills malfeasant Mayor Mike Martin.
 
You see, many people just can't find it in themselves to believe that the mediocre Martin is that dishonest and that stupid. Instead, they fall for Martin's perpetual excuse that everyone is simply out to get him. The voters took it out on you just because you rightfully believed that the sinister Shorty should play by the same rules everyone else does. The election result says everything about the lame-brained voters in the hillbillified Villa Hills and nothing about the exceptional quality of your public service. The idiot voters don't deserve you.
 
Next, goodbye (for now) to the lunatic Mike Pope. One would be hard-pressed to find a more rancid turd in the proverbial punch bowl than the wing-nutty Pope. For those of you who worry that you will never see the putrid Pope again, be not afraid. The venomous Mary Koenig is back. Jim Cahill is back. Even the malevolent Martin is on a return appearance. Given the rampant stupidity of the Villa Hills voting populace, don't be surprised if we see a sequel for the dreadful Pope as well.

The wacky Pope confirmed what we already knew at last night's council meeting. Namely, that he is an avid reader of The Martin Chronicles. By the way Mr. Pope, we are a blog. You are the website wacko-job. The last piece of good news regarding the dopey Pope? He will remain a "quasi-public figure". So, we will still have old Pope to kick around.

Then there's Jim Noll. In a word, IDIOT.

And of course there is the incoming council.

We already know that pasty battle-axe Mary Koenig is over-stepping her legal authority. We have every confidence that she will do for the mediocre Martin what she did for Steve Clark. And then some.

Has anyone seen Brian Wischer since election day? Some are speculating that Wischer was thrown for a major loop when the Hostess Bakery folded.

How about Rod Baehner (rhymes with Koenig)? Are we going to be subjected to two years of Martin-esques soliloquies about the battle between his head and heart? Will he emasculate himself straddling the fence? Time will quickly tell.

To the hateful Koenig, Wischer, Baehner (rhymes with Koenig) and the rest, enjoy the next two years. We know we will.

Merry Christmas everybody!

Perhaps THIS Explains It?

The Martin Chronicles hit the blogosphere on October 8, 2011. Our mission? To report on the incompetence and corruption of The Little Man From Norwood, the mediocre Mike Martin. The Norwood Sewer Rat's corruption and incompetence and our coverage of it both continue full-throttle to this very day.

What about the title? Why "The Martin Chronicles"? Well, it is a satirical take-off on the Ray Bradbury collection of short stories titled The Martian Chronicles.

In point of fact, our readers had a little trouble finding us in the very early days of our blog. Internet searches often led to The Martian Chronicles. But not any more.

Is there another reason? Perhaps there is. It would certainly explain the otherwise inexplicable.